Friday, December 23, 2005
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Show Me The Money, Santa
I just received a Christmas card.
Wait a second.
It says here that “in the spirit of the season, we have made a contribution on your behalf to our favorite local charity”.
Ah, this is horseshit.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Quick Question For Ya
I had a dream last night that I was really hammered. Like drunk off my arse.
I woke up this morning with a killer headache and feel downright shitty.
By rules of deduction, can it be possible I have a hangover?
Friday, December 16, 2005
Hollywood Is Hell: Part One
Apparently, actor Adrien Brody was asked on Access Hollywood, "So, did you kiss King Kong like you kissed Halle (at the Oscars)?".
Its times like these I question hope for the future.
Can't we take the noxious weasels who encourage these shit-shows and have them sent off to some remote Siberian stinkhole where they are forced to entertain eachother by dancing ancient Russian jigs and playing checkers with frozen cow shit, you know, so the rest of us can move on with our lives?
Just once, I would love to have heard Adrien Brody give an honest reply, something like, "Hey fuckballs, did you conjure up that incredibly insightful and audacious query all by yourself, or did the pink-trousered twat who glued your hair together help you?"
Thursday, December 15, 2005
You know I'm getting sick of seeing these cheesy bumper stickers that read "I'd rather...".
You know the ones:
I'd rather be golfing.
I'd rather be hunting.
I'd rather be camping.
I'd rather be boating.
I'd rather be fishing.
Or the extremely clever...
I'd rather be driving.
Ya? Well I'd rather be jerking off. Get the fuck outta my way you slow-driving fucker. I'd rather be passing you and getting on with my life.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Pointless Observation #42
Have you ever noticed when you go out of town for a few days, when you return and take a shower, it seems like you've forgotten what your shower was actually like?
You've gotten so used to some strange shower spray, that when you get home, it actually catches you by surprise. It's almost like you have a brand new shower.
What's up with that?
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Death By Semantics
It always bugs me when someone's referred to as dying of "natural causes". Isn't that a bit too vague for you? I mean, we all die by natural causes, don't we?
What isn't dying of a natural cause? If someone pops 25 sleeping pills, downs a 40 ouncer of Jack Daniels, snorts a mountain of cocaine and then dies, well...I'd have to say that is a pretty natural cause of death. In fact, if they didn't die, I'd have to say its a pretty unnatural way to survive. I would only expect you to die after doing that much blow and booze.
Hell, dying is a natural cause, isn't it? It's a natural cause of life. It's a natural cause of being stabbed in the heart with a knife pen. Or jumping off 40-storey building 'cause ya dropped yer hat. Or just attempting to sprint head down across a busy superhighway on a dare. In fact, what exactly would be considered an unnatural way to die - being turned to stone after seeing Medusa? Being devoured in the middle of the night by a bunch of goblins? Hey, heres a topical one - being stomped on by a giant ape while visiting Times Square?
Seems to me, that'd be kinda an unnatural cause of death. I wonder what they'd call that.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Advice For The Holiday Traveller
Holiday travelling sucks balls.
There. I said it.
If you're flying by plane, the airports are a mess, people are frantic and everyone is in a rush. To make matters worse, you can't wrap your gifts prior to getting on a plane which can be a pain in the ass if you travel at the last minute, right?
Well, no more showing up at your destination with unwrapped gifts folks. With the recent relaxation of the "scissors on flights" rule, why not take a pair of clippers, some Scotch tape and your favorite roll of Yuletide wrapping paper on the plane with ya. So you can't take wrapped presents on the plane - hey, they don't say nothin' about taking wrapped presents "off" the plane, do they?
Besides, what better way to kill some time and bug the shit outta the poor smelly fuck sitting next to ya than by elbowing the lousy git a few times in the temple trying to get that perfect wrap job.
- just another fantastic idea from the Saucy Monk. Its a good thing.
Monday, December 05, 2005
An Embellished Moment in Canadian History
Billy Bishop of Owen Sound, Ontario became one of the top flying aces during World War I with 72 victories. The Canadian pilot was rated 3rd among all flyers during the war and he even went head-to-head with Germany's infamous "Red Baron", battling him to a standstill in what has been called "the greatest aerial dogfight in history".
Coincidentally, it is not commonly known that Bishop once completely force-fed himself 72 corn dogs at one sitting in what has been called "the greatest dog fight in history".
This has been an Embellished Moment in Canadian history.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Ya, But Your Cold Water Could Be Too Cold Too!
The city of Toronto now has a campaign against….brace yourself…hot water!
Yes, as it turns out there is a citywide campaign preaching in posters, flyers and billboards that “Your Tap Water Could Be Too Hot”.
Wow. Rivetting. Why not just start another campaign called “Your Hair Could Be Blonde” or “Your Old High School Math Teacher Could Be Dead”. Seems about as meaningful to me.
But if you’ve gotten past that spooky headline - and honestly, who could resist that tempting byline of ball-shrinking terror – you’ll read that most water heaters in Canada (listen up Iqualit) are set such high temperatures that they can severely burn your child.
Well, no shit gumshoe – it is called HOT water.
The fascinating document goes on to supply such informative language as “preventing hot tap water burns is easier than you think”. Now, you may be asking yourself, “What?! But how?! By what magical miracle did the world’s leading scientists finally find a solution to this traumatic social issue?!?!” Um, let’s try…less hot water?
Not quite, well-educated reader. In fact, there are several ways to stop such life-altering dilemmas, such as using tap guards or installing temperature controls on individual taps. Now hold on a second…tap guards? Temperature controls? Aren’t the fucking taps “temperature controls”? Are you telling me to install “taps” for my “taps”? What kind of boned-up-the-ass sales job is this shit?!
Come on folks, honestly - there’s two taps. We should be able to handle it.
Hey, listen if you can’t get your kid to wash up without giving themselves third-degree burns over 80% of their body, then maybe installing tap guards isn’t the first thing on the agenda this weekend.
How about teaching your shithead kid to wash his hands.