AWOL (and how!)

Sorry kids,

Monk needs a couple of days away.

the insanity is killing me.

check back soon.

A Small Bite From Miscellania

Pardon the brief interlude...I fell asleep watching a re-run of Everybody Loves Raymond and just woke up...

I'll write more, but I need to have an Extra-Jumbo java first. In the meantime, here's 4 Bites off the top of my head:

TV talk show hosts always sit to the left of their guests.

Is the added smell of urine really enough evidence to determine if that dirty homeless guy having a heated conversation to no one is really crazy?

Who is the stupid fuck who stole the hole out of my donut. I want 10% of my money back.

Are you a male with red hair. Get ready. You'll be balding in no time.

Not Even Good Enuff For The Birdcage...

So, tomorrow ol' Canada has an election...

...and today, the front cover of the Toronto Sun reads "218 Reasons Not To Vote For The Liberals".

I just love it when the media is so objective and free of bias.

In reality, I'd really just like someone to publish "218 Reasons To Vote For Any of the Parties". I can think of enough reasons "not to" on my own.

How To Smuggle Drugs (A Saucy Tip)

I finally got a foolproof way to smuggle drugs through airport security and onto airplanes.

I bought this small hollow container that looks just like a 'AA' battery.
It's perfect to hide drugs in.

All you gotta do is, first, put the drugs in it.

Then, screw on the lid.

Then I place the "battery" in my electric toothbrush.

And then I hide the toothbrush in my ass.

This has been another useless tip courtesy of the Saucy Monk.

Another Reason To Kill Your Television

A study by an Italian sexologist has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who don't.

Is this really shocking to anyone? Ofcourse TV cuts into people's sex lives. TV isn't there to provide you with anything - well, except for a fat ass, softened vision and whole lot of spent time. How is it that anyone would expect TV to do anything but cut into people's sex lives? That's like holding a study to see if "having a gorgeous, sex-starved naked chick in your bedroom leads to more sex".

Um, ya......even with the big-screen TV.

The study also found certain programmes are far more likely to impede passion than others. Well, no kidding.

Ya know, for some reason, a half hour of According To Jim just doesn't provide me with the stimulation to support an adequate chubby.

Go figure.

The '70's - Episode 1: The Zot

When I was but-a-wee-lad, we spent a lot of time hanging around old hockey arenas while my oldest brother, who was 4 years older, would enjoy the sport.

Often, to pass the time, me and my other brother would gather old cigarette packs (for some reason, not in short supply at local hockey rinks in the ‘70s).

Somehow, we discovered (or were taught by a generation of enthusiastic discoverers before us) that if you took the cigarette paper inside the packs, peeled off the foil part of the paper, and then chewed up the papery section, it became a very sticky ball of goo.

With that, the Zot was created. And you would challenge each other to toss your zot up to the ceiling, intending for it to firmly adhere there.

It was really an exercise in farming, because the whole purpose of the exercise was to plant your zot, and monitor how your zot was doing (if it was still there) each time you returned to the hockey rink. Surprisingly, it was a common activity, as ceilings of hockey arenas in the '70's (as I recall) were plastered with zots.

I can’t say for sure, but it’s highly unlikely this is a practice you’ll ever catch kids participating in nowadays. Where have all the good times gone?

I Woke Up With 5 Things On My Mind

Ya know what you never hear about anymore? Glasnost. What's the deal?

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There are claims that Guantanamo Bay detainee Omar Khadr was used as a "human mop" to clean up urine. Ya gotta hand it to the U.S. military - they're resourceful.

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Dear CTV, we all get it - Rex Goudie has a CD out. Now piss off.

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Remember that father on that TV show Gimme A Break? What the fuck was his problem?

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Ever actually tried a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich? Elvis was a sick fucker.

I'll Have The Doughless Pizza Please...

Last night, I was in a pub where the menu featured “boneless chicken wings”.

That is just plain horrifying.

Yo Backslider! Miracles For Sale! Real Cheap!

This morning I watched a TV show in which evangelist Ernest Angley was "creating miracles" by curing people of their illnesses simply by slapping them in the head.

Now, while I agree many-a-folk need a good slap in the head, I really can't say I'm buying it, Ernie.

Sure, sure - maybe you fooled the ol' black lady into walking without her walker for a few steps. And maybe the fat lady with the glandular problem and the enlarged heart will cut back on the curly fries now that you popped her across the ears, but come on Big E, admit it, you're just punching people out in the name of God.

Okay, so surprise! I am one cynical monkey, but still, I just don't think you should trust someone to save your soul when they feel the need to hide their own insecurity in the form of a really crap wig.

Just seems like a rule to live by to me.

Besides, if you can cure blindness Ern, surely, you can rub your greasy palms over your own wrinkley bean and sprout a thick mane in the name of the Lord, can't ya? Come on, Big E, old pal, you'd get a few more points on my dartboard if you could show us that a man who can defeat death in the meek and defenseless can atleast also admit he's as bald as a baboon's puckery blue ass.

But then again, maybe the Almighty only has the healing powers to reverse blindness, deafness and incurable human disease. As it turns out, maybe God's just not so good with male pattern baldness.

Well, I suppose I shouldn't be shocked. It's a bit of a mystery to me too.

Drawing Blanks

Ok, nothing is inspiring me today.

Instead, let me just post this photo of the Six Flags guy. He really pisses me off.

Whenever these annoying ads come on TV and I see this 20-something git-in-an-old-dude-costume dancing around like some Timberlake jacked up on Sudafeds to that shit Vengaboys tune, I just wanna walk up, tear off his bald-head wig and kick him straight in the nuts.

"It's playtime, bitch!"

Just Cause They're Mammals Don't Make It Right

Well, its a mere four days into 2006 and I've already stumbled upon a loaded buffet of useless information and ridiculous news to pass on. In case you missed this particular item, please feel free to peruse it and hope you never find yourself becoming so disturbingly desperate as Ms. Tendler:

JERUSALEM (AP) - In a modest ceremony at Dolphin Reef in the southern Israeli port of Eilat, Sharon Tendler, a 41-year-old British citizen, apparently became the world's first person to "marry" a dolphin. Dressed in a white dress, a veil and pink flowers in her hair, Tendler got down on one knee on the dock and gave Cindy a kiss. And a piece of herring.

"It's not a perverted thing. I do love this dolphin. He's the love of my life," she said Saturday, upon her return to London.

Will someone please just give this woman a jolly-good ol' rogering already...

My 5 Weird Habits (That May Or May Not Be True)

Well, well, well, lovely Laila (http://lailachris.blogspot.com/) has tagged me. She should've known better. Still, she's kinda cute so I will appease here with my 5 Weird Habits (Saucy style):

5) I pluck my nose hairs out with tweezers while watching old re-runs of "Bonanza". Something about Hoss just makes me want to feel that slight sadomasochistic sting in my nostril.

4) Anytime I hear the singing voice of Carol Channing, I take my pants down.

3) I cannot eat apples with the peel on them so I completely peel my apples before I eat them. Then, I take the peelings, stuff them into an old frozen turkey carcass I keep in my freezer and when it gets full of apple peelings I take it to the park, shove a firecracker into the turkey's ass and blow the motherfucker up. Pretty cool, eh?

2) Ya know how some people talk in their sleep? Well, I yodel.

1) After I urinate, I don't leave the toilet seat up like many men -- I raise and lower it three times, spin around twice while tugging my left ear lobe with my right hand. Then, I say the Lord's Prayer and exit the washroom walking backwards.

My New Year's Resolutions

I will grow my hair like Limahl. Don't know it? Look it up on Google.

I will start jogging. Oops, I meant start wearing jogging pants.

I will eat less chemically-enabled processed genetically-altered pesticide-laden organic sugar snap peas. Love them sugar snap peas.

I will wear a mask in public. Preferably Batman.

I will be honest with people. Tell them how fucking annoying they are, more often.

I will cut out all monocalcium phosphates. They turn your privates blue.

I will try to avoid death.

Also, avoid the mall (same difference).

I will try to somehow avoid hearing anything sung by Ashlee or Jessica Simpson.

I will NOT try to somehow avoid seeing Jessica Simpson naked if the opportunity arises, however.

No more Sudoku. Unless it's stir-fried and comes on a bed of pork-fried rice.

All quiet on the western front.

At some point, I will catch up on the news. What the hell is this "gaza strip" I keep hearing about anyhow? Ah, nevermind. What's Paris Hilton wearing?

Set the world record for largest cinnamon roll.

Set the world record for largest cinnamon roll consumed by one person.

No more sneezing.

I will attempt 20 push ups a day. One for each beer.

I will learn to speak mandarin chinese for my upcoming trip to Germany.

I will try to meet, and marry former "Wonder Woman" actress Lynda Carter, then shamefully, get caught cheating with former "Bionic Woman" star Lindsay Wagner and suffer a tragic and bitter divorce. Eventually impregnate one of the former stars of "Facts of Life". Hopefully Tootie.

Be kind...rewind.