MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

I guess it’s that time of year again when everyone sets aside reality for a little while in the delusional aspect that they can better their lives simply by selectively setting themselves some finite and soon-forgotten rules.
Well, I ain’t no different..…


MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS:

- to eat more soft cheeses.

- to avoid friendly eye contact with strangers (not a problem in this city).

- to quit screaming neologisms at churchgoers on their way into service.

- to have sex with a freakishly tall woman with odd and alluring mutton-chop sideburns.

- to start a scab collection.

- to overcome my fear of developing a phobia.

- to get inducted into the Guiness Book of Records for number of consecutive kicks in the crotch by a guy with steel-toed boots.

- to streak at a Billy Graham crusade.

- to shave bald a wild rabid hyena with a dull Bic shaver.

- to win the lottery and spend the winnings on filling a public pool with butterscotch pudding and supermodels wearing only mango-flavored edible underwear.

- to open a pet store dedicated solely to selling supplies for pet head lice called “The Pest Shop”.

- to revive the once popular name "Idella" for girls.

- to more successfully mimic the false sincerity of news anchors when discussing cataclysmic events with people. (“A horrible, horrible day for Sri Lankans as monsoon rains hampered getting food to refugees. (turning to weatherman) Well, we didn’t exactly have to worry about monsoon rains here today, did we Wally?”).

- to quit…while I’m ahead.