Frankly, I Am Good For About 20 Minutes...Maximum

Here in Canada, Fido mobile phones have a big ad campaign right now promoting 7 hours of non-stop service on one battery.

Is this necessary? Really?

Listen, if you are talking non-stop with someone for 7 hours on a cell phone, you really need to go and find that person because either:

a) you are hopelessly and pathetically in love with them

and/or

b) they are about to commit suicide.

Either way, the phone call isn't helping.

THE SPAWN OF FAME

Remember when you had to actually DO something to become famous? You know, win an Olympic sport, fly to the moon, or at the very least star on a goofy TV show about being marooned on an island with The Professor, The Skipper and two intemperate and annoying millionaires?

When did that all change exactly?

With everyone from Nicole Ritchie (who was adopted into fame) to Kevin Federline (who married into fame) to Paris Hilton (who found fame by videotaping herself having sex--huzzah!), it would appear you no longer need to actually do much of anything to get famous.
Well, now there is something even more scary.

The spawn of fame.

According to a study published in USA Today, a group of young adults were asked about their life goals, and low and behold, the results were not exactly of Marconian-stature (unless of course you think Marconi is the ingenious mind who invented the dish, marcaroni and cheese). In fact, the top two goals by far were "getting rich" and "being famous". Wait a second. Is it me or is BEING FAMOUS not so much a goal, as it is a consequence? And if so, why would you not answer BEING HEALTHY as a goal? How about saying BEING NOT DEAD?

The study also found that young folks are twice as likely to admire an entertainer than a political leader, but did you know that according to the Screen Actors Guild, only 5% of all actors make over $70,000 a year. Hell, that wouldn’t even pay for Paris Hilton’s annual supply of Strawberry Lip Smacker.

With the rise of celebrities who have gained notoriety by basically, um, being themselves(?), I think it sends a very confusing message to kids. After all, when your hero did nothing to earn your respect other than buy some expensive shoes with daddys credit card, what can you possibly emulate except a lack of perspective and a lifestyle well beyond your means. Well, and maybe a case of liver damage later in life.

I am not saying people should not dream. Hell, that is what Hollywood is based on. That is what life is all about. All I am saying is that fame should not be looked at as an end in itself.
After all, fame can be an empty, material byproduct that is as fleeting as it is irresistable. Choose your heroes wisely, and remember: fame does NOT necessarily mean success. Just ask John Wayne Bobbit, Tonya Harding or the dude who played The Professor about that (if you can remember who the hell that was).

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN HOLLYWOOD!

'Twas the night before Christmas, when in Hollywoodland,
Not a celebrity was stirring, except Paris Hilton and gang.
Louis Vuitton bags were slung over shoulders with care,
In hopes that the paparazzi soon would be there.

Tom Cruise was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of Scientology danced in his head.
Madonna, Jolie and Pitt slept in a coma,
After adopting half of Malawi - next, they're taking Angola.

Yes, all of Tinseltown was finally quiet at last,
Even Tara Reid stayed home (but she was still drunk off her a**).
When, what to my wondering eyes should spring,
But a new psychological condition brewing.

At the Leicester University, psychologists say,
Celebrity Worship Syndrome is as real as Lance Bass is gay.
CWS, or Mad Icon Disease,
Explains why folks care if Britney wears panties.

It was confirming to read, to say at the least,
That this sickness from Hollywood was now a real disease.
So out on my keyboard I typed in commotion,
And hoped that somebody would be paying attention.

Put down your Hello! Drop the US Weekly!
Off Lohan! Off Duff! Off, Simpson and Ritchie!
To the rubbish you go! Its time the mighty fall!
Stop worshipping false idols with no talent at all!

And then, just as quick, I saw in an omen,
How boring it'd be if sober was Ms Lohan.
And if Paris Hilton were acting responsibly,
And what if Anna Nicole Smith wasn't just plain crazy?

And how about Nicole Ritchie's DUI,
And Rosie vs The Trump, not to mention that K-Fed guy?
As I drew in my head, all the stupidest people,
I realized I do kinda like seeing them come down a little.

Maybe thats why so many folks stargaze,
And read all that trash in the tabloids everyday.
Well, its Christmas and all, and I've got the sensation,
Nows not the time to rage against pretension.

So I turned off the computer, and went beddy-bye,
But I had one last outburst I just had to recite,
So I sat all-a-humble, as I finally typed my distilling:
Happy Christmas to all, even that bag Paris Hilton!

THE KING OF BAD LINES

This past week Britain newspaper The Independent published what it considers some of the worst lines of dialogue ever played on the big screen. Now while I do agree their list includes some truly noxious repartee, I do think they are missing perhaps The King of Bad Lines.

Their worst (or best, depending how you look at it) line is from Rocky 4, in a scene where Sly Stallone mumbles his way threw the utterance ‘If I can change, and you can change, then we can all change’. Who wrote that script anyhow - a 6-year old with fingerpaints?

Other hits (or misses) include lines from Top Gun, Goldfinger and ofcourse, Jerry Maguire (You complete me). All relatively decent movies with unlikely stodgy lines.

But where are the truly so-bad-they’re-good lines that should top this list? You know, those cinematic masterstrokes starring the likes of Steven Seagal or Jean Claude Van Damme? Or what about the sinister showpieces of the so-called worst director of all time, Ed Wood? Surely, movies like Plan 9 From Outer Space deserve a mention.

In my opinion, the worst (but best) line of dialogue comes much later than the era of Ed Wood and the B-movie. Its actually from a 1990 dumper called Fire Birds.

In the film, Tommy Lee Jones stars as an Army drill instructor and the particular line of offense comes during his pep talk to a young, but cocky helicopter pilot (Nicolas Cage) describing what he expects of his protégé…

... a 1st class all-American hero with his heart & brain wired together cooking full tilt boogie for freedom & justice!

That baby is so bad, I want to get it printed on a t-shirt.

QUIT PICKING ON MARTY McFLY!

Boy, Michael J. Fox is taking a lot of flak.

You would think a guy with Parkinsons Disease would be given a bit of grace now and again, but no, American conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh (possibly better known from the aptly-titled Al Franken book, Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot) is all over him like a pit bull on a poodle.

In case ya have not heard, the actor, best known for the Back To The Future movies, appears trembling in an ad to support Congressional candidates promoting funding for embryonic stem cell research (which, not coincidentally, could aid in finding a cure for Parkinsons, a disease that is characterized by uncontrolled muscle tremors).

Rush (Is A Big Fat Idiot) Limbaugh however, has suggested that Fox was either off his medication or acting before filming the spots to, presumably gain empathy from voters. Wow. Rush Limbaugh IS a big fat idiot.

Has Limbaugh even heard of Parkinsons? Is there some disgrace in trying to get funding for research that could cure a disease that has severely crippled your physical state and limited your career and future?

Well, let me say that although I doubt Fox was acting per se, if he was, who cares? Rush makes it seems like no one ever exaggerates for the sake of political gain. Hmm, if he wants to see some acting, maybe he ought to take a closer look at the gang of thespians involved in covering up that whole Mark Foley deal in Florida. Now there is some great acting!

Hey, even if Fox was exaggerating his disease, cut the guy some slack, Rushy. He has to deal with an incurable neurodegenerative disorder associated with the destruction of his brain cells. There is no treatment, and there is no forseeable cause. If Fox is acting, he is acting because, in essence, his life depends on it. I mean sure, its not as traumatic as getting down to the final boneless buffalo wing on the Applebee's Appetizer Sampler or say, getting addicted to pain medication but...oops, did I hit a sore spot, Limbaugh?

Let Fox say what he wants. Its a free country, and besides, consider it retribution for letting us trash Teen Wolf and putting him on the cover of Tiger Beat magazine all those years ago.

Last Week In Hollywood...

Whatever Angelina Does, Madonna Does Better

Madonna has officially been granted an interim adoption of a Malawian baby, according to a statement from her publicist. Now, I dont wanna say she is copying Angelina Jolie or anything, but I hear she's re-naming the kid 'Maddonnax'.

Jessica Speak Real Good-Like For Herself Now

Jessica Simpson has taken over her own public relations duties. She tells Jane magazine, 'I am my own publicist right now. I've called all the heads of the tabloids. I don't want anyone else to speak for me now.' Great. I can't wait for all those misspelled and grammatically-incorrect press releases updating us on what her favorite color of dog is to start rolling in.

Disney Wants Lighter Children

The Disney Company will begin serving healthier and more nutritionally-balanced meals at their domestic theme parks. Apparently, they're realizing its not such a SMALL world after all, and its getting bigger by the cheeseburger. Be sure to let your child enjoy a mouthwatering 'Winnie The Pinto Bean-Lentil-and-Quinoa-Pooh Pita Wrap' next time they're strolling through Fantasyland.

Tara Reid Brags About Her Ugly Breasts

American Pie star Tara Reid is making a stink in the press about her botched breast implant and liposuction procedures. She says her implants made her self-conscious, especially when it came to being intimate. She says, 'Guys I was dating would be like, 'They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.'...I mean, you definitely need to turn the lights off, that's for sure.' Nevermind the lights. I think I'd need earplugs. Hey Tara, too bad you can't lipo your ugly, unsightly insecurity so you dont have to date the type of idiots who are going to say to your face 'you should really get them fixed'.

For Once, A Good Day In Hollywood

Hilton Arrested for Drunk Driving

Socialite Paris Hilton was arrested in the early hours of yesterday morning on suspicion of drunk driving. The aspiring pop star, 25, was pulled over by police in Hollywood around 12:30am, officer I. Isabella confirms.

Lohan Robbed at Heathrow Airport

Lindsay Lohan was left devastated in London yesterday afternoon when her beloved Hermes Birkin bag was stolen from her trolley at Heathrow Airport. Lohan's publicist Leslie Sloane has confirmed her client was robbed at the airport, adding, "She is begging for the return of the items. She doesn't care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back."

Thank you fate, you devil.