Last Week In Hollywood...

Whatever Angelina Does, Madonna Does Better

Madonna has officially been granted an interim adoption of a Malawian baby, according to a statement from her publicist. Now, I dont wanna say she is copying Angelina Jolie or anything, but I hear she's re-naming the kid 'Maddonnax'.

Jessica Speak Real Good-Like For Herself Now

Jessica Simpson has taken over her own public relations duties. She tells Jane magazine, 'I am my own publicist right now. I've called all the heads of the tabloids. I don't want anyone else to speak for me now.' Great. I can't wait for all those misspelled and grammatically-incorrect press releases updating us on what her favorite color of dog is to start rolling in.

Disney Wants Lighter Children

The Disney Company will begin serving healthier and more nutritionally-balanced meals at their domestic theme parks. Apparently, they're realizing its not such a SMALL world after all, and its getting bigger by the cheeseburger. Be sure to let your child enjoy a mouthwatering 'Winnie The Pinto Bean-Lentil-and-Quinoa-Pooh Pita Wrap' next time they're strolling through Fantasyland.

Tara Reid Brags About Her Ugly Breasts

American Pie star Tara Reid is making a stink in the press about her botched breast implant and liposuction procedures. She says her implants made her self-conscious, especially when it came to being intimate. She says, 'Guys I was dating would be like, 'They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.'...I mean, you definitely need to turn the lights off, that's for sure.' Nevermind the lights. I think I'd need earplugs. Hey Tara, too bad you can't lipo your ugly, unsightly insecurity so you dont have to date the type of idiots who are going to say to your face 'you should really get them fixed'.