Your Saucy Horoscope

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) – Remember that time a while ago when you found yourself hiding your tear-streaked face in your pillow and begging God to please, please, please send you a soul mate? Well, that day already came and went. As it turns out, your soul mate was a deaf-mute street vendor in Tijuana who tried to sell you a pack of Chiclets. Instead of making contact with your soul mate, your arrogant response was, “move already! I said I don’t want any of your fuckin’ gum, alright gringo!?!?”

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Today will bring you an epiphany while at work! You’ll suddenly and shockingly realize that you are never going to amount to much more than the boring, drivenless, paper-pushing office monkey you are now. Take comfort in the fact that you atleast excel in drinking yourself into oblivion.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20) – Get ready! Love is blossoming with the spring flowers, but unfortunately, not for you. A little deodorant wouldn’t hurt, did you ever think of that, Glando Calrissian?

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 23) – This month, your sign really makes its mark if you get me. Shitty for you.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) – This is the month you should spend your earnings on the lottery! Not necessarily because you’ll win, but because everyone is sick of the pathetic, desperate way you cling onto the sense that financial security will fill the giant vacuous, empty hole in your life. Hmm, then again, your life’s so pathetic, maybe it would help. Sorry to tease you about the lottery win thing.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) – You have a lot going for you today, but beware people that may try and stop you from reaching your goals. The best way to handle them is to beat them into submission with a blunt object. Seriously. Don’t fuck around – this is your horoscope talking. I really mean it. Do it! Do it now! Virgo must hurt people! People bad!

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22) – see Gemini, only replace deodorant with mouthwash, colon breath.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) – You’re finding yourself pretty stressed out and need to calm yourself. Do what I do: go buy a Roger Whittaker CD, pour a bath with organic milk powder, oat kernel flower, and avocado oil, light a few aromatherapy candles and relax while listening to Roger’s “New World In The Morning”. Oh, and then call up a 6 foot tall she-male to come over and rub bergamot body lotion on your privates.

The Rest: Sagittarius/Capricorn/Aquarius/Pisces (Nov 22 – Mar 20) – Today you are active, outgoing and at the peak of your social prime. It’s a perfect day to meet others. Instead though, you will spend the day in your livingroom masturbating in the front window. The people you meet: the police.