My New Year's Resolutions

I will grow my hair like Limahl. Don't know it? Look it up on Google.

I will start jogging. Oops, I meant start wearing jogging pants.

I will eat less chemically-enabled processed genetically-altered pesticide-laden organic sugar snap peas. Love them sugar snap peas.

I will wear a mask in public. Preferably Batman.

I will be honest with people. Tell them how fucking annoying they are, more often.

I will cut out all monocalcium phosphates. They turn your privates blue.

I will try to avoid death.

Also, avoid the mall (same difference).

I will try to somehow avoid hearing anything sung by Ashlee or Jessica Simpson.

I will NOT try to somehow avoid seeing Jessica Simpson naked if the opportunity arises, however.

No more Sudoku. Unless it's stir-fried and comes on a bed of pork-fried rice.

All quiet on the western front.

At some point, I will catch up on the news. What the hell is this "gaza strip" I keep hearing about anyhow? Ah, nevermind. What's Paris Hilton wearing?

Set the world record for largest cinnamon roll.

Set the world record for largest cinnamon roll consumed by one person.

No more sneezing.

I will attempt 20 push ups a day. One for each beer.

I will learn to speak mandarin chinese for my upcoming trip to Germany.

I will try to meet, and marry former "Wonder Woman" actress Lynda Carter, then shamefully, get caught cheating with former "Bionic Woman" star Lindsay Wagner and suffer a tragic and bitter divorce. Eventually impregnate one of the former stars of "Facts of Life". Hopefully Tootie.

Be kind...rewind.