"I can't understand why more people haven't added you as a favorite. You are one rad fucker!" -- uridium15, diaryland

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Fresh Prince of Mumbai

Actor Will Smith (yes, the Fresh Prince himself) is heading to Bollywood!

Thats right, the star of such big-screen snoozers as Independence Day and the genius mind who penned such provocative rap songs as "Parents Just Don't Understand" and the inimitable "Nightmare on My Street", has made a deal with an Indian entertainment company to help co-produce two Bollywood blockbusters.

Pretty exciting really. The merging of Bollywood and Hollywood. The combining of eastern cultures and western cultures. The integration of tikka masala and Taco Bell. Okay, so you may have a colon blow-out afterwards, but hey, yum!

Its a pretty entrepreneurial endeavor for Will Smith actually. If ya don't know, Bollywood is the term given to the Indian film industry which, according to some reports, produces almost double the number of movies and sells a billion more tickets each year than Hollywood. And its no wonder - with over a BILLION folks roaming around India, you got a lot of potential ticket buyers. (Note to self: look up the web rights in India to www.movietickets.com).

But ofcourse, there is another side to the story. Since Hollywood is the land of copycats, you can bet Mr. Smith will soon have company. And ofcourse that company will bring no new ideas, and so they'll be forced to recycle the same old Hollywood crap.

Now, next time I decide to grab my Spider-Man backpack and hop a Greyhound ride to Vishakhapatnam I'm sure, when I get there, I'll find theatres playing such gems as SNAKES ON A RICKSHAW or BANGALORE NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BALVINDER.

Brace yourself Bollywood. Its not always pretty.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Things I Really Should Do (But Probably Won't):

Sell my car.
Get a dog.
Get religious.
Sign up for Big Brothers.
Learn Japanese.
At least, try escargot.
Watch a Harry Potter movie.
Read a Harry Potter book.
Earn a lot of money.
Never lie again.
Stop drinking alcoholic beverages.
Buy an iPod.
Take more photos.
Plan a vacation.
Stop procrastinating.
Commit to a relationship.
Defrost my freezer.
Ask the cute girl in the office out.
Ask for a raise.
Tell someone at the phone company to "suck my cock".
Talk to children more.
Drink less coffee.
Throw that strange jar of "something" in the back of my fridge out.
Keep a journal.
Write my memoirs.
Take my car in for an oil change.
Watch less TV.
Stop talking, more action.
Set a deadline.
Meet my deadline.
Get a massage.
Exercise more.
Plant a tree.
Floss more often.
Get professional help.
Sit up straight.
Sleep in.
Buy more.
Buy less.
Be honest with myself.

Basically, figure my shit out.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Blockbusters On A Title!

Well, its finally here - SNAKES ON A PLANE, the film even star Samuel L. Jackson refused to do unless producers kept its campy title.

Never before has a flick created such excitement just on a movie title alone, spawning not only a highly anticipated sure-fire summer hit, but countless amounts of internet buzz and plenty of coming spin-off products (mugs, calenders, even a 'Snakes on a Sudoku' puzzle book). And all this from a silly title.

It makes ya wonder, if SNAKES is a big hit, will this start a trend in Hollywood? Well, always trying to stay ahead of the curb, I am going to be ready if it does.

Heres a short list of movie screenplays I am working on at the moment. It is with one of these that I hope to pitch a big-time movie producer and launch my new career as a cocky, pretentious Hollywood player.

- SHOWDOWN AT THE SWISS CHALET (one man's confrontation with a quarter-chicken dinner).

- since superhero movies are big, how about... THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN SUPER-FANTASTIC-SPIDER-X-MAN? (how can it go wrong??)

- SPROUT (a docu-drama about the life of a single brussel sprout...I am thinking Michael Caine as the Brussel Sprout - he IS good, that Mr. Caine!).

- remember that Bill Cosby film from the eighties Leonard Part 6? Well, listen to this genius idea... LEONARD PART 7!

- 120 MINUTES (an intense, real-time thriller about 2 hours in the life of a well-timed alarm clock).

- THESAURUS: THE MOVIE (trust me on this one!).

Hey, laugh if ya want, but if SNAKES ON A PLANE got the green light based on its title, I don't think my ideas are far-fetched. Speaking of, I also have an idea for a Canadian-made thriller set in an airplane flying from Halifax to Toronto in which a bunch of crustaceans packed in the overhead break loose and create chaos pinching ankles of terrorized passengers at 30,000 feet.

I am thinking about calling it LOBSTERS ON A PLANE. Sounds like a lucky title to me.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Conversation Non-Starters: First Date

"So....have you ever been in the shower and the soap slips out of your hand but you quickly catch it before it falls? Don't you just for a second feel really proud of yourself? Sometimes I go one step further and present myself with the 'Vidal Sassoon Loofah-Sponge Award' for Most Valuable Player. But not always...only sometimes...

...So...would you like some dessert?"

Friday, August 04, 2006

Real Or Fake: You Be The Judge

Check it out here:


Either way, its pretty funny.