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Thursday, January 27, 2005

Shall I Reserve You A Room?

So, the Trump International Hotel in Manhattan is now offering a 55 minute spa treatment called the “Liquid Gold Body Wrap” and all I can say is, it’s about time.

Finally, someone is offering us a body wrap of liquid gold followed by a massaging of oil with gold particles into the skin, which is then followed up with a dusting of an iridescent gold powder.

Now I know what you’re thinking…”But Monk, how come no one’s done this before?”. I can’t answer that fellow blogger. All I can say is I hope it doesn’t take as long for Trump International Hotel to move into the next phase of hospitality. Perhaps, if they’re listening, they may consider some of my simple recommendations…

How about a smoking room where these rich, spoiled hotel guests can roll cigars made from hundred dollar bills? You know, to relax and suck that burning, excess cash deep into their lungs.

Or a restaurant called the Famine Room, where patrons aren’t given a menu; instead everything that’s on the menu is prepared and brought to their table. Then they pick out the one item they want and the rest goes straight into the trash. No wait. Make that the incinerator. Well, you know you can’t trust these greedy homeless people. Always trying to dig food out of YOUR garbage.

And all the waitstaff will be starving children from third world countries. You know the type, all pot-bellied and flies in their eyes. Give ‘em a shower and put ‘em to work I say. But no tipping! Tipping will not be allowed. These greedy self-obsessive third world waiters! “I’m hungry!” “Ya? Me too, now where’s my ketchup, Mogambo?”

Let these bastards make an honest living like the hotel guests their serving (y’know, cheating, stealing, lying, swindling, competing and generally being corrupt business assholes).

All the carpets will be made from the fur of clubbed baby seals. Well…its softer on the feet, after they’ve been through the patented Trump Hotel’s Pedicure, a special rubdown of the feet with chamomile and crushed ivory from the tusks of endangered African elephants.

And finally, how about this? Drain the swimming pool of it’s dirty, chlorinated water and instead fill it with vaccines desperately needed in countries crippled by HIV. Well, wouldn’t you feel better doing the backstroke in something that’s only going to boost your immune system? Hell, you ARE on vacation after all….we, at the Trump Hotel, wouldn’t want you to get sick.

SO enjoy your stay at the Trump Hotel, where our motto is….

Sleep tight and leave your worries behind…