"I can't understand why more people haven't added you as a favorite. You are one rad fucker!" -- uridium15, diaryland

Monday, April 11, 2005

But Everyday Is...International Dumbfuck Day

I wish I were making this up but I’m not. Today I received an e-card wishing me a ‘happy cheese fondue day’.

Alright, first of all, don’t send me cards for made-up-bullshit holidays that some dogfucking marketing dweeb on the payroll for some shitty cheese company thought was ingenious. It’s not clever. It’s not funny. So, take your shitty cheese fondue card and shove it in your Swiss cheese hole.

Second, this holiday shit has got to stop.

Look, I get it why we created Earth Day. I understand National AIDS Awareness Month. I don’t even mind the fact we observe an International Eat An Apple Day.

I’m fine with that. Hey, I like apples…

But to observe a day in order to celebrate the spirit of dipping stale French bread into cheese melted by flaming oil? Get the fuck outta here.

Is fondue really worthy of celebration? Is it really that important to our culture? I hardly think so. Why not just wish me a “happy hardening of the arteries day”.

There’s a whole melange of bullshit holidays some overpaid peckercrust with a marketing degree and no talent thought could change the world.

Just take a look:

Oatmeal Month (January)
Apple Computer Day (June 4)
Garfield the Cat Day (June 19)
National Pancake Week (February 6-12)
Safety Razor Day (December 2)
Kool-Aid Day (August 12)
National Sea Monkey Day (May 16)

These are all VERY real, and hopefully, taken seriously by VERY few. One thing is clear about these inane events: they sprang from the cluttered mind of a marketing asshole.

However, the mystery still remains what insane idiots made these up:

Talk Like A Pirate Day (September 9)
(Arrgh, why doncha take a ‘ard suck o’ me arse thar Billy?)

Slugs Return To Capistrano Day (May 28)
("Hey honey, should we go to Capistrano this year and observe the slugs or save our money and just sit around watching the hair on my balls turn grey?")

Be Bald And Be Free Day (October 14th)

(celebrate and buy a hat, you insecure dickhead)

National Grouch Day (October 15)
(On this day, don’t forget to wish your friends and family a happy ‘fuck you and everybody that looks like you’!)

Answer Your Cats Questions Day (January 22)
(Are you fucking kidding me?)

National Scoop The Poop Week (April 24-30)
(Ya, but do me a favor…don’t just do it this week alright? Pick up your dog’s shit a little more frequently, okay asshole?)

Anti-Circumcision Day (April 1)
(…also known as “taking back the foreskin day”)

Celibacy Awareness Month (June)
(Can’t we just leave these poor people alone…I’m sure these losers are ‘aware’ enough without us reminding them they’re not getting laid…)

Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day (July 27)
(Ya, and if you do…why not do us all a favor and step out in front of traffic too, alright Johnny Appleseed?)

Cook Something Bold And Pungent Day (November 8)
(We should get these morons together with the ‘National Scoop The Poop Week’ people…)

Dear Diary Day (September 22)
(Dear diary…I have given up on humankind…)

Hey! I got a day for you! How about this...we could call today the International Day... to jerk me off!

How do ya like them apples?