"I can't understand why more people haven't added you as a favorite. You are one rad fucker!" -- uridium15, diaryland

Friday, March 31, 2006

Conan The Grumpy Old Man

Everyone seems to be making a big deal that Warner Brothers is reviving the Superman franchise, but did you know that the movie studio is taking a stab at reviving the Conan The Barbarian franchise? Yes, that's right cinephiles - Conan will be back! Ah yes, but it begs the question, doesn't it? Will California Governor Arnie Schwarzenegger return to the role that made him famous back in 1982?!?!

Well, some insiders are saying its not totally out of the question. In fact, after he finishes off his term as governor, he could return to, and I use this word loosely...acting. But to be honest, who want want to see Arnold wielding a sword in nothing but a lose-fitting loin cloth. I mean, the dude is almost 60! It's supposed to be Conan the Barbarian, not Conan the Sexagenerian, that's all I'm saying.

Well, just in case Warner Brothers does cast the Governator in the classic role, and they're having some trouble finding potential names for the series of future action flicks, I've got a couple ideas of what they could go with.

How about Conan the Pensionable?! Or maybe Conan: Master of Canasta. Here's a potential nail-biter - Conan Takes A Nap.

Nah, I got it...Conan and the Quest for Geritol...and you could hire Red Buttons as 'the Pharmacist'. Genius.

There you go Warner Brothers.
You don't have to thank me.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

How About Naming It Bullshit...And You Could Sell, Y'know...Bullshit.

Ok, I get it. The specialty fast food joint is all the rage. I don't blame people for buying into these so-called restaurants. I mean, hey, I am as sick of overcooked burgers and shitty chinese food as the rest of world.

But like most fads, they are getting a bit ridiculous.

The formula is simple:

Pick your poison. Say potatoes.
Give your restaurant a hip one word name.
Something like "Spud".

And now price out your gourmet potato menu:

Gourmet Baked Potato with soft organic baby chives and sour cream made from alfalfa-fed goat's milk - $8.00

Turst me, you'll make a killing.

How do I know this? Because restaurants of the like have been sprouting up all over the place. Here in Toronto, one of the latest hits of the urban food court is called Lettuce where they sell bowls of, yes, lettuce for around $9.00. Seems a bit pricey for a salad maybe, but hey, you can always wear the bucket on your head and play "army man" when yer done.

Now, I just noticed a brand new place is about to spring up.

The Cereal Bar.

That's right. Nothing but cereal. All the time.

What?!?! Getting tired right before the big merger meeting Mr. Business Executive Man?!!?! Why not race down to the Cereal Bar for a quick bowl of Lucky Charms to get your blood sugar up. Sure, it may cost ya 7 bucks a bowl, but come on, I ask you, can you really put a price on something that is "magically delicious"?

Friday, March 24, 2006

Taking A Powder...

Be back soon when I figure out the meaning of life.

Well, that or as soon as I finish my sandwich.

Check back soon.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Entertainment Minute

Grammy-winning Kanye West will soon star in an innovative feature film inspired by his music, proving once again, we just can't help putting perfectly good actors out of work for rappers-turned-sub-par thespians desperate for the world's attention.

Failure To Launch is the number 1 movie at the box office this weekend failing to instill me with confidence that the general public has any grasp of quality, intelligence or good taste.

Paris Hilton is still a pain in the ass. Oh ya, and also, what has she got to do with entertainment again? Does she even have a job? Enough on that.

Movie theater owners are considering jamming cell phone reception in an attempt to stop annoying conversations during films. For this added service, admission prices will be raised to a minimal $34. But just think. No phone calls! Ofcourse, this still won't stop the annoying pimply fuckers behind you from kicking your seat and talking throughout the film. And ofcourse you will still unknowingly leave the theatre with a big oil stain on your pants from the topping-soaked-through bag of shitcorn.

Hooray for Hollywood.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Stop the Fucking Presses...

I just read on the scrolling newticker of some 24 news television channel this piece of heavily-topical and impertinant information:

"The Shaggy Dog star Tim Allen admits he's actually a cat person".


If this is really considered a "newsworthy" item of information important enough to be updated along the news update ticker, then, please...someone....gouge my eyes out right now. I won't need them anymore.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Where No Man Has Golfed Before...

Ok, so I just read this pile of retarded shit:

If a Canadian golf-equipment company gets its way, a Russian cosmonaut will crush the longest-drive record later this year — by three billion kilometres or so.
Plans are in the works to have the cosmonaut blast a special golf ball into space from the International Space Station with a 6-iron made by Element 21 Golf Co.

Nothing quite shows how ridiculous we've become as an upright-walking species quite like flying to the moon to hit a basket of golf balls.

What the hell is goin' on in space exploration anyhow? Isn't there enuff foreign space junk floating around without adding in a few golf-balls just so some golf-equipment company can market themselves with a cute pun like "our balls fly out of this world"?

Look, if we've really got nothing better to do in space than spend billions to send Yuri Five-Iron to the moon for a little pitch-n-putt, how about we scrap the whole idea and - oh, I don't know - feed, clothe and home the few million homeless down here on Earth?

Ah, but then, what would the clever advertising agency come up with when they are paid thousands for the golf-equipment company?

Life is such a conundrum...