"I can't understand why more people haven't added you as a favorite. You are one rad fucker!" -- uridium15, diaryland

Friday, April 21, 2006

The Most Important Story You Will Ever Read!

Digging through an old box of detritus, I came across an old exercise book from my years toiled in grade school (I'm guessing about Grade 4 or 5). Within it was scrawled a fascinating tale written by yours truly. I would like to re-publish this little seen masterpiece on my blog and let you look into the very early works of Saucy Monk (pay attention - many world leaders could learn something from this).

(I have left spelling errors, grammar, etc in its original glory. Enjoy -- SM).

The New Space Warriors
(by Li'l Saucy Monk)

One space weekend the Rocket nine-six-six was flying around and an enimy scout was following us. We put on reverse, and shot his thrusters as he was turning away to a planet. We thought something was interesting about it so we went over to the planet and landed. We found out there was life and there was also our enimes.

"My name is John Kracker and my partner is Lt. Mike Stuppy. I am captain. We fight Justice, in other words we're good hit men.

This planet had caves only, to live in. Mike and me stayed close to the places where the caves were not.
"Captain." Mike said "We have are lasers and our force field but we don't know what they have."
"Don't fret." I said "We will get out in a second."
Mike said "Sir, I don't think we're in anything."
"I know" I said
"Well then why..."
"Shhh, I here something." At that moment ten scouts walked out of a cave with stun guns.
"Hide." I said. All of a sudden we were surrounded.
"Sir, we can't play chess now!" Mike said
"Well then lets play checkers." I said.

They stunned us down and took us away. When we woke up we found out we were gonna be killed and fed to a half man half lizard creature. An hour later we we're thrown into a ring where creatures stood with lazers set on high. We didn't have our lazers but we still had our force field units. They shot but we had our forcefields on. We walked up to these creatures and attacked them. I hit one and I sware he went at least 5 yards.

When the fight was over we talked to the leader "Look, we have peace where we come from and it's nice there." I said.
I don't care! the leader said
"Look, if peace isn't..."
"Shut up!" The leader said
"I'll make a deal with you, make peace and if you don't like it you can kill us!" said I
"It's a deal."
About a week later...
"Earthman," the leader said "Your smart and we will keep peace, and you may go home."
"Thank you." I said
Mike said "As long as you have peace, you will be content."


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Just Another Manic Breakfast...

Some thoughts that just popped into my head over my morning bowl of Mescaline Flakes (it really is the most important meal of the day, ya know):

- I can't the tell the difference between a mandarin and a tangerine. I'm sure that's got to be the biggest scam in citrus.

- I just realized I'm a complete mess until I've had my first cup of coffee in the morning. That, or until I can relocate my crack pipe anyhow.

- Ya know, a couple of years ago I lost $5. If I don't find it pretty soon - that's it, I'm gonna quit looking.

- Geez, I wonder what ever happened to the Partland Brothers.

- If you can be green with envy, and when you're blue it means you're sad, what the hell is orange? Whatever it is, I think I feel orange today.

- Do I smell toast?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

The Title Of This Blog Is 'Me On A Tirade'

By now, maybe you have heard about Samuel L. Jacksons new movie Snakes On A Plane.

The upcoming summer release has already found a huge cult following on the internet solely because of its title. Fan-produced trailers scour the internet. Hollywood screenwriter Josh Friedman has deemed it the perfect title. And even Sam Jackson himself admitted that it was the only reason he took the job.

I am not kidding.

When studio executives attempted to change the title to Pacific Air Flight 121 (which admittedly, is actually much worse) there was outrage on the web, forcing the suits to switch it back.

Pretty wild, eh?

At least with that title, I will not have to waste any time telling you what the movie is about, but come on - if the title is any sign of the film itself, be sure to wear your dunce cap to the theatre because there is a good chance you will actually walk out dumber than you were walking in.

Ya know, it kinda made me wonder what other famous movies might have been better served by a similarly-plot-direct title as Snakes On A Plane. Who knows right? Would King Kong have been better served if it were called Monkey On A Building?

What about Brokeback Mountain? Kind of a confusing title, right? 2 Men On A Fishing Trip (But Not Really Fishing) seems to make a little more sense to me.

And ofcourse the new animated family flick The Wild seems a bit too ambiguous to me. Would it not be clearer if it were just called Capitalizing On The Success Of Madagascar?

Just a thought.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

This Stone Won't Go Unturned

Hey! Have ya heard? Sharon Stone has revealed she wants to make a third Basic Instinct movie, and she wants to direct it.

WOW. Talk about an eternal optimist.

Sharon Stone is like Hollywood's answer to the Black Knight from 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail', isn't she?
"What?! Basic Instinct 2 was a big bomb at the box office?! Ahhhh, just a flesh wound!"

Ya know, ever since she showed us "her stuff" in Basic Instink back in 1992, Sharon Stone has had more misses than Marty Feldman tossing free-throws from centre-court after downing an entire bottle of Nyquil.

Just think - Sliver, Diabolique, Catwoman....and these are her most recognizable films!

Well, I must say, in spite of this, I admire Sharon Stone's tenacity (or is it blind ignorance). After all, it takes a lot of mettle to drop a huge stinker on Hollywood and then immediately follow it up by announcing on plans to drop another. Hey, even my father usually changes the subject after he drops a bomb at the dinner table.

So you go Miss Stone, direct your Basic Instinct 3 and show us what you got.
Heaven knows, you've shown us everything else you got already.