"I can't understand why more people haven't added you as a favorite. You are one rad fucker!" -- uridium15, diaryland

Saturday, May 27, 2006

...And Maybe You Can Hire Some Chimps To Type It

Warren Zide, one of the producers of the American Pie and Final Destination movies, has decided to turn the keys of the Hollywood brain trust over to a bunch of frat boys.

See, his new big idea is to make a movie called Its Only College, and instead of paying a bunch of sweaty, balding basement-dwelling writers to come up with a fair-to-middling script, he has set up a website where anyone with a good old college story can submit a scene.

Well now - that should be good.

Why do I get the sense we will all find ourselves drinking in the enriching cinematic experience of beer-showering frathouse parties and - well, that's probably about it really. Well, who knows really? Maybe it will work. Hollywood does need to try some new things, but still I am a bit skeptical on this one.

If I may use a short analogy here - whenever my Dad had a problem with the old family clunker he didn't hand me the keys - it was off to a mechanic for fixin...

Besides, if MY personal college experience is any indication of what is to come, the big screen will soon see a 90 minute thriller that includes such jaw-dropping scenes as some guy eating Ramen noodles in his underwear sitting on a 3-legged couch held up with a stack of phone books, who constantly borrows money from his parents for rent and most embarrassingly, unceasingly strikes out with the ladies on a daily basis.

Wow. I cant wait.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Conversation Non-Starter #18

Conversation non-starter for an audience with the Queen of England:

"Hey Liz, have ya noticed how video games used to be about saving people? Now, video games are all about killing people. What's the deal with that?"

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Oh, To Be A One Hit Wonder...

Okay, so apparently the big Hollywood studio New Line has money to flush down the toilet because they've agreed to pay comic-actor Chris Tucker 25 million bucks to star in Rush Hour 3, which really is, from a critical standpoint at least, just like flushing your money down the toilet (Hell, if you're gonna toss money at Tucker to remake Rush Hour, why not just throw piles of dough at Dreyfuss to get off his wrinkley ol' ass for "Yet Another Stakeout"? Just a ponderance).

This weighty paycheque will make Tucker - the former star of such films as...well...um...Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2 - the highest paid actor in Hollywood.

Wow. Not bad for a dude who we have not seen since...um, did I mention Rush Hour 2?

Okay, granted Rush Hour 2 was a HUGE box office hit, and for that, sure, Tucker deserves a bit of a boost on his box office take and hell, perhaps throw him a free celebratory noogie on his co-star Jackie Chan...but 25 million bones?!!? What are they asking him to do in this film - cut off his nipples with a rusty butterknife?? Jump through a hoop of fire into a hot tub full of boiling racoon feces?? I mean, we ARE just talking about an acting job here, right? I mean, he's just being asked to make pretend for a couple months, right?

Well, I guess you can't fault Tucker. Hell, if I could get 25 million to type this childish blog out everyday I would take it. I would never actually say it was warranted, but fuck ya, I'd take it. But next time someone tells me that a big old Hollywood film is a flop because it didn't break the 100 million dollar mark...well, I'm just going to have to shrug off how ridiculous that sounds, go home and stick another pin in my Chris Tucker doll.

...and then, I'll get back to eating my macaroni and cheese. Good times.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Another Great Canadian Moment

Ever just sit down and shove an entire one of these into your face?

Ya, me too.

Thank you McCain, for another great Canadian moment.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Dress Codes For The Culturally Depraved

Ya know, I work right by the Hockey Hall of Fame and it never ceases to amaze me how many people go there wearing big, gaudy hockey jerseys of their favorite hockey team.

I don't get that.
I mean, its just a hockey museum, right? No one's actually going there to play a pick up game of shinney, are they?

Why would you wear a costume of your favorite hockey player to a museum? I mean, you don't see people strolling around the Musée du Louvre in Paris dressed up as Mona Lisa.

Then again, I get the feeling these aren't the same people that you'd find at the Musée du Louvre...period. Call it a hunch.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

....and now for a commercial break.

George Carlin's newest album Life is Worth Losing is finally out.

With such enlightening tracks as Autoerotic Asphyxia and The All-Suicide TV Channel, it is worth gaining.

He is one funny prick.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Time For A Coffee Break...

There's nothing more deflating than going into a Tim Horton's and ordering a double-double only to have the counterperson stare back at you blankly.

For those who don't know, Tim Horton's is an American-owned, but Canadian mass-marketed convenient food chain that has overrun the Great White North like...well, like the plague....or....apathy. Whichever.

In Canada, there is 1 Tim Horton's shop for every 3 Canadians. I'm not making that up.

In fact, if you think there are a lot of Starbuck's coffee houses in America, well in Canada, every Starbuck's shop must be within a block of at least two Tim Horton's. That's a law I think.

Oh, and one last note. Wherever there is a Tim Horton's...there is a dude begging for change not far away.