Handjobs! Coming Soon To A Theatre Near You!

* * *

The other night I went to the movies and counted no less than 7 commercials prior to the film. And I’m not even counting the previews. Toss in 4 or 5 of those babies at 2 minutes a piece and I was about fifteen minutes earlier than I needed to be at the theatre.

I dunno about you, but I’m pretty skeptical about the ever-growing number of ads airing before my flick.

The lamest has to be this movietickets.com spot. You know, where the sexless couple are at the theatre professing into the camera how easy it was for them to get tickets because they ordered them online and then picked them up at the theatre.

Well, guess what Professor Expediency von Dot-com, if you are going to pick up your tickets at the theatre, why not just BUY ‘em when you get to the theatre, you dumb fuck! There doesn’t seem to be any need to order them online. Who is this service for?

I’ll tell ya who it’s for – the gullible, neutered jerkoff who goes to the movies only to find his girlfriend has ditched him to see a different film, just like the emasculated anal wart in the commercial – that’s who.

And while I’m at it, I’m not real hot about filling movie houses with Burger Kings and Pizza Huts either. I’m not sure if American theatres are the same but was it really not enough to be able to snack on popcorn and candy – now you gotta have a Double Whopper with cheese and some onion rings to heighten your appreciation of Hotel Rwanda?

And have some courtesy. If you really need that Whopper, hold the onions okay? Christ, the theatre smells like Shaq’s armpit in the 4th quarter.

Now I hear Krispy Kreme Donuts are trying to move in. Great. If I really wanted to sit on sticky seats, I’d go to the other kind of theatre – y’know, the ones with the private booths and the complimentary box of Kleenex.

Maybe I’m too conservative when it comes to the movies. I miss the universality and simplicity of old, velvet curtains, the anticipated hum of a crowd before the film – a time when the biggest food decision was choosing between butter or that mysterious wet spunk they called “golden topping” on your popcorn.

Now they’re obliged to ask “would you like Becel on your popcorn?” and “I’m sorry we only have Pepsi” when you habitually ask for a cola of any other name. Gosh, do you think it’s become corporate? I just feel bad for the generation that’s growing up asking their mom, “can I please have brand-name non-hydrogenated vegetable-oil-based margarine topping on my popcorn?”. See, weren’t things easier when it still came from the cow?

But ofcourse it’s futile to wallow in the past, so in order to show my forward-thinking attitudes and in an effort to embrace modernity, here’s a few ideas I have for advancing and promoting the corporate enjoyment of the movies:

- Budweiser beer tub girls

- discount bikini waxing in the projection room

- Radio Shack (obviously!)

- bring back intermissions…featuring Bible-themed sing-a-longs

- rub and tugs in the back row:
“are you enjoying the movie, sir?”
“yes”
“would you like to roll over and let me finish the job?”

- All-You-Can-Eat Indian buffets in the lobby

- a new store: The Gap for People Who Really Aren’t That Into The Movie

- Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream Parlour and Petting Zoo

- one night a week scatter people suffering from Teret’s Syndrome throughout the theatre. Call it “Teret’s Tuesdays”

- Wetzel’s Pretzels and Do-It Yourself Wills

- no time for the doctor? Free testicular examinations during end credits