Ode To A Dumb Fucking Rodent

How do we know the groundhog sees his shadow?

Sure, we might see his shadow, but that doesn’t mean it sees it. And isn't that what counts? How do we know the groundhog isn’t myopic? Maybe it’s got a bad case of glaucoma. Or maybe it’s just a dumb fucking rodent.

If we’re going to stake our faith in future weather patterns based on whether vermin see their shadow or not, then I think we need to test this experiment thoroughly.

I say we place a big rat trap loaded with Groundhog Chow outside of the hole.

If the groundhog comes out, sees his shadow and runs off, fine, six more weeks of winter.

If the groundhog comes out, goes straight for the chow and gets his head snapped off at the neck, then screw it – I say that groundhog’s not smart enough to tell us what’s goin’ down in the weather department.

It’s the only way to tell if these groundhogs aren’t full of shit.