Let The Jocks Disappear...

Hockey is dead.
But who cares?
I don't have much sympathy for any pro athlete that goes on strike.

“I don’t want to play!”
Fine. Don't play, skater boy.

Maybe it would be different if these guys weren’t driving giant SUVs in from their 20-acre ranch to go to the bank, get a private room for them and a hooker to roll around naked in their millions of dollars. Maybe.

And I know there’s a lot of details there, but the bottom line is The Cash. Presumably, the argument is that with such short careers, athletes need higher wages in order to support them and their family for the rest of their lives.

I don’t have a problem with that.

But if so, then I say once these 38-year old meatheads decide to retire, then lets make these spoiled rich children stop working. Forced retirement. BAN ALL EX-ATHLETES FROM THE WORKFORCE.

“I see by your application you made 12 million dollars on your last job as point guard for the Milwaukee Bucks…”
“Yep.”
”Um...well, we’ll let you know if something opens up here at Cinnabon.”

No more endorsements.
No more sports anchoring.
No more color-commentating.
No more sports pubs.
No more restaurants.
No more car dealerships.
And no more donut chains.
I’m sorry Joe Slapshot, you’ve simply reached your financial quota.

No longer shall former sports stars put others earning a fraction of their salary out of work simply because they're celebrities.

Up here in Canada, a former hockey goalie even sits in Parliament as the Minister of Social Programs. Should we really be giving a government position to a dude who’s last job was taking pucks to the head?

So that’s it. If you no longer feel inclined to entertain me like the masturbating orangutan at the zoo, then retire and spend the rest of your days swapping bean casserole recipes, playing parcheesi and helping Aunt Hilda change her colostomy bag at the “Shady Days-Are-Numbered Seniors Complex”.

If these dull-headed jocks don’t wanna skate around and beat the shit out of each other, then fuck ‘em. Let these useless, brain dead hicks disappear.