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Friday, February 25, 2005

When Dinner Bites Back...

Ya ever get the feeling we’re slipping a notch or two down the food chain?

Birds are giving us a killer flu. Cows are turning our minds into liquid shit. Fish are just plain toxic.

No doubt about it, it’s tough being a carnivore in 2005. Even when I eat a hamburger nowadays, I inspect each bite like I just might find the corner of a redeemable coupon for “One Free Poke with Keira Knightley”.

So what am I searching for? No idea. But if I see anything at all odd or unfamiliar, I immediately put down the burger, gag myself and then call the World Health Organization to declare a Mad Cow outbreak. You can’t be too cautious these days.

Well, I guess it’s our own fault. We poisoned the lakes with chemicals. We fed cows to themselves. We genetically-engineer our foods. Bon appetit!

Ever ordered chicken wings in a restaurant and then get these freakishly monstrous wing-like appendages? That ain’t natural. When was the last time you saw a rooster with the pipes of a 3-year old toddler? Farm-raised chickens? Ya, maybe if the farm was next door to Chernobyl. Make a note: if a chicken whinnies like a horse, that’s no longer a chicken.

What’s scary is we have the capability of clone animals now. Great. I guess we must have overworked these animals so much that we now have to mass produce them by test-tube.

Why not just give the damn chicken five minutes off from trying to force eggs out its ass to give it a break to fuck? Even a chicken deserves to get laid once in awhile. If my C+ in biology is correct, I do believe that’s how you get…more chickens

All I know for sure is that the chickens got to be getting pissed. And the cows. And the fish too. Pretty soon they’re going to have the same amount of spite as your average Burger King employee. Then watch out.

So what if cows can’t spit on the burger. Or fish can’t slip boogers into your Filet o’ Fish. If you think these Frankenstein animals aren’t up to some serious shit, you are sadly mistaken.