"I can't understand why more people haven't added you as a favorite. You are one rad fucker!" -- uridium15, diaryland

Friday, April 15, 2005

Monkey With A Monkey On His Back

Well, it looks like there’s further evidence that the monkeys have grounds for taking over Earth and caging us up like Chuck Heston.

A zoo in Johannesburg is trying to get a chimpanzee named Charlie to quit smoking cigarettes after the simian has become hooked on the nasty habit ever since visitors started tossing butts into his pen.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There ain’t much more in this world that will entertain me on a purely juvenile and visceral level than a monkey sucking back on a Marlboro (except perhaps, a chimpanzee celebrating his birthday by tearing the nuts off his owner after his owner croons ‘happy birthday’ to him ~ see earlier Monk entry, “You’ve Been Chimped”).

Still, don’t you find this monkey smoking thing the perfect metaphor for the thankless individualist greed of humankind.

Man evolves from ape.

Man cages ape.

Man teaches ape to smoke.

Ape dies slowly and unnaturally from a degenerative lung disease brought on by a highly-addictive chemical-based habit discovered and manufactured in the form of a fatally dangerous inhalant by Man all in the pursuit of a few good years of selfish monetary prosperity.

Then again, I’ve also seen that video where the monkey drinks its own urine, so you know…there’s that.

Tell me though, when did zoos turn into a hangout for society’s asshole anyhow? I personally haven’t been to the zoo in years, but I do remember the last time I was there, it was pretty tough to distinguish those on the inside of the bars from those on the outside. It’s pretty spooky when the gorilla is clearly disgusted by the shit-stained kid picking their nose outside the glass. Yes, the zoo is now truly Darwin’s waiting room.

Zoos were started around 500 B.C. by the ancient Greeks who kept animals primarily for study purposes. 500 B.C. – wow, that’s a long fucking time ago. So how far have we evolved in two-and-a-half thousand years? Well, let’s see…

Last time I was at the zoo I read a sign asking people to resist tossing coins in the seal pool ‘cause… “you know what, Gus…that thar ain’t actually a wishing well”.

Then there’s the other sign, the one at the tiger’s pen, reminding you to keep your arms outside the cage. If you need a reminder to keep your limbs out of reach of a fang-toothed killer, maybe next time you should stay at home and spend the day watching ‘The View’ re-runs with your safety helmet on, Dagwood.

After all, these animals aren’t stupid y’know. They damn well deserve our respect. I once saw a crowd of dullheaded pricks scream at a tiger for several minutes until it paraded closer for them. As these toothless wonders all rushed in close to get a photo, the cat casually turned his back, raise it’s tail oh-so gently and then showered them with a squirt of piss d’tigre.

Now I wouldn’t just call that instinctual. I’d call that bloody brilliant.