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Monday, June 13, 2005

More Hollywood Bullshit

Dear Entertainment Media,

I’ve got a favor to ask you.
I’m not even sure you’ll be able to do it, but I’ve have to ask anyhow.

Can you please, please, please…

Please, just stop talking about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for 2 minutes? Oh sorry, I mean Brangelina.

Which is something else we need to stop – no more morphing names of people together. It began with Bennifer. Now we have Brangelina. And the latest is that abominable Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes-combo TomKat.

TomKat. Ya, after that appearance on Oprah, I’m thinking maybe this TomKat needs to be neutered.

But did you ever notice they only do this ridiculous morphing of names with cutsie Hollywood couples? You’d never catch Ted Koppel on the 6 o’clock news calling the Russian president and his wife Vladamilyudmila.

Now unless you’ve been living in the cave next door to Osama bin Laden for the past 2 months, you know what I’m talking about.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie keep getting spotted by photographers together all over the world. Beaches in Kenya, at posh hotels in L.A., bartering with the Amish in Nebraska over a bag of turnips…you know, places where stars hang out.

But for whatever reason they haven’t admitted to being a couple.

So why, do you ask? Why wouldn’t a pair of Tinseltown’s two most gorgeous film stars come out and get all gushy for the cameras, especially on the verge of one of the most anticipated hits of the summer movie season?

Hmm, let’s see. Maybe we should go to the experts. I'll bet Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have an idea why it may not be a good idear.

The bottom line is, we really need to get our minds off of whether or not Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are fucking. Who cares? It's not like you have a shot so forget it. And if they are screwing, so be it. Seriously, how anti-climactic will it be when or if they ever admit they're schooping each other?

But what will we do then? Who will we talk about?

Well, I dunno about you but I'm getting an early start on the next Hollywood rumor:

Psst, guess what? George Clooney was seen porking Phyllis Diller on a nude beach in Hawaii. Pass it on.