Names To Ruin A Life By

David Arquette and Courtney Cox named their kid Coco.
Gwyneth Paltrow called her daughter Apple.
Actress Lisa Vidal named her kid Crumpet.

What is with these celebrities and these fucked up baby names?

Ok, I get it, you’re a celebrity. You got fame. Money. Beauty. I guess the only thing you're now missing is proof to the world of your authentic and crafty ingenuity. So, to establish said genius, you've decided to name your new infant child something special and so you've decided to do this by apparently, looking around your kitchen and picking out some inanimate object.

Well, don't worry. It’s okay. You still got the fame, money and beauty.

Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspektor. That’s just plain weird.

It also begs the obvious question, why not name him Sailor Detective? Or whatever happened to a nice old-fashioned baby name like Light-Armoured Combat Vehicle Driver Investigator? Don’t nobody name their child Light-Armoured Combat Vehicle Driver Investigator anymore?

Hmm. Times they are a changin'.

Well, listen up, if you happen to be in the market for a baby name and can’t seem to find yourself one as creatively cool as those oh-so clever celebrities you hopelessly worship in those glossy overpriced magazines and on Access Hollywood...fear not, I got a few ideas for you...

Just don't hold me responsible for how it affects the poor little bastard’s upbringing.

Pomegranate
Broken Femur
Rad Gnarly
Tuskan Raider
3teve
Hash Pipe
Optimus Prime
Scoliosis
Cunnilingus (Cunny for short)
Gobstopper
Malpractice Suit
Salmon Salad Sandwich

Or simply...

The (that one's my favorite)

And lastly, for those who'd like to follow the long-standing tradition of naming the newborn after themselves:

Pretentious Cocksucker Jr.

Sounds about right to me.