"I can't understand why more people haven't added you as a favorite. You are one rad fucker!" -- uridium15, diaryland

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I Think I Lived With A Jackpot Like This Once

A stirring news item worth checking out:

MOSS BLUFF, Fla. - A man accused of fatally beating his roommate with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer because there was no toilet paper in their home has been arrested.

Franklin Paul Crow, 56, was charged Monday with homicide in the death of Kenneth Matthews, 58...Crow told investigators that the men were fighting about the toilet paper over the weekend when Matthews pulled out a rifle. Crow said he then began beating Matthews with the sledgehammer and claw hammer, according to an affidavit.

Boys, boys, boys... ...settle down...

It's only asswipe.

Nothing to beat a guy to death with a claw hammer over. Surely that kind of behavior should be reserved for rush hour traffic.

Wouldn't a simple Post-It Note do the trick to remind the ol' roomate to pick up some T.P.? Worked for me in college:

"Dearest Roomate, if you might find a moment to hoist yourself up off the sofa and pull the change that has affixed itself to the perspiration on your giant lard-filled ass cheek, perhaps you can take a 5 minute trip to the corner store and engage in your turn of buying toilet paper...if not, I feel I will have liberty to wipe my muddy crack with your favorite toothbrush. Many thanks, Your Faithful Roomie."

Like I said...it seemed to work for me in college.

But then, with this guy at the ripe, mature old age of 56, I'm thinking maybe Mr. Crow might have some deeper problems other than just needing a good wipe of the old Charmin.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

To Vainly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before...

Did you know that NASA is looking for aliens?

Okay, maybe that sounds like a naive comment, but I never really gave it a lot of thought before. Apparently, it's really going on though.

According to Reuters, Margaret Turnbull of the Carnegie Institution of Washington released her "top 10" list of potential stars to target for NASA's Terrestrial Planet Finder, a system of two orbiting observatories scheduled for launch by 2020 to look for extraterrestrial life.

Now, I don't know about you but...is this really worth the hassle?

First off, it's not like we're looking on the moon or Mars or anywhere within conceivable grasp. One of the planets is 18 Sco in the Scorpio constellation. Ya know where that is? No? Me neither, but I'm guessing Fodor's hasn't published a hitchhiker's guidebook for it.

Second, I can't begin to imagine how much money it is costing for us to point a bunch of high-priced telescopes into space hoping to see Marvin the Martian looking back under his Roman helmet.

What if we did see that anyhow? Then what? Remember that scene in the movie Signs when Mel Gibson looks under the door using the reflection of a knife to see what was on the other side? Ya, well...that's what.

Now, do i believe there may be extraterrestrial life? Sure. Why not? There's got to be some cats out there a bit more centred than our species of cartoon-rioting, Paris Hilton-worshipping dipshits. Do I really wanna meet em? No. Know why you should carry a bell with ya into the woods to keep the bears away? Because they don't wanna meet you either.

See, I'm fine thinking there could be alien life out there. Great. You keep 18 Sco in the Scorpio constellation. You can have it, and whatever green-skinned alien chicks you got on the fly there are all yours too. Fuck Captain Kirk. I'm quite happy with the babes down here.

As far as I'm concerned, the last thing I really need is to satisfy my craving to crawl into the sideshow tent to see the slimy alien with the big eyes and the opaque skin only to find the price of admission was a giant anal probe shoved up my stinker.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

"Spreading" the Word of Playboy...

Apparently, an attempt to launch an Indonesian version of Playboy magazine is causing protests from Muslims in Jakarta.

Not really surprising. After all, isn't the world on the verge of collapse because of some Danish idiot's mediocre comic-strip? Hey, Beetle Bailey never caused this much shit - that's all I'm saying.

What does kinda shock me is that somebody had the audacity to publish Playboy in the world's most populous Muslim nation to begin with. I mean, come on, who's honestly gonna buy a mag with a centerfold spread featuring a woman raising her Burka to show a little toe?

(that was a joke - please don't sanction my country).

To be honest, the businessman behind this idea has said he never intended to show nudity in the first place. So I'm thinking...why are you naming the magazine Playboy then, Hef? Isn't that a bit of false advertising? That's like publishing a magazine called Barely 18 and publishing photos of girls who are...you know, Way Over 18.

Wait. Um, maybe that's not such a good example.

Anyhow, my point...well, I'm not sure. Only that in some regards I understand and empathize with the Muslim conservative view that...hmm, ya know, maybe some of the western world's contributions to the world aren't exactly fitting for every culture around the world....like say...McDonald's and movies starring Rob Schneider.

Would I expect Deuce Bigalow to be accessible to some bushman from the Kalahari desert? Hell, I hardly understand that piece of cinematic shite. So too, I don't really expect conservative Muslims, ingrained in the belief of their religion and principles, to accept and admire the beauty of the exhibitionist display of a beautiful woman's you know...hooters. See, I like to look at it in a rather pragmatic, if not selfish manner...

...more for me then.

I certainly don't condone any sort of violence (as we have seen in the Danish cartoon protests) but surely, if you don't want Playboy in your neighborhood, say so. It's your right as much as it is the right of every citizen to make efforts to publish Playboy if they want to. Just please, don't bomb the Playboy mansion. Not before I make a visit first anyway. I have dreams you know...

Oh, by the way, there is another option. Just don't buy the magazine. You know, it's a little like religion. Just because Christianity may exist in your nation, it don't mean you gotta go to the church.

Hell knows I don't .

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Worked For the Corleones

Anyone else ever notice that Dr Phil is like the Godfather in a cheesy porn-star moustache. All give, give, give, but don't fool yourself. He's coming to get his.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Give The Groundhog The Day Off

I'm just curious...

When are we going to finally grow up and leave this ridiculous groundhog-sees-his-shadow shit behind?

'If the groundhog sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter'. Are you fucking kidding me?

On the news this morning, I even heard this one very insane man in a top hat say that the groundhog actually "whispers to him whether he sees his shadow or not". Ya great. Let's just hope that groundhog doesn't suddenly become embittered with his caged surroundings and whisper to this dolt-in-a-hat to go on a sawed-off shotgun rampage in the name of groundhog freedom.

Okay, it's all so fun. Let's put on some period costumes, pull a rat out of a hole and pronounce whether winter is staying or going. Isn't there some real work we could be doing right now? I know my schedule is a bit tight to be standing around taking orders from some fucking rodent.

Ya know...I stopped believing in the Easter Bunny a loooong time ago too.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Celebrity Look-a-likes

Somebody just told me I look like the love child of Bill Maher and David Caruso.

Why do people have to be so mean?