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Monday, April 18, 2005

Neutering The Cookie Monster

I feel sorry for Cookie Monster.

With a new mandate to promote healthier eating, the producers at Sesame Street have now cut back on the blue fuzzy monster’s cookie consumption.

Yes, the Cookie Monster will now be the well-moderated Cookie Monster, learning that he can’t “always” have a cookie, only “sometimes”.

Doesn’t this sort of make his job on Sesame Street a bit redundant? What’s the point of a monster who gobbles cookies like peyote when he is only allowed to have 2 or 3, and only “sometimes”. Seems like neutering the poor bastard to me. Plus, will he still go nuts over cookies or will the lack of sugar leave him complacent and lackadaisical?

These are the things I think about when I'm sitting in the back of the police crusier after I've had about 13 or 14 shots of Wild Turkey and get pulled over for committing a traffic violation.

See, the thing is, okay, I agree kids are way too fat. Many of them even look frighteningly like miniature Jabba the Hutts with ice cream dripping down their third chin.

But maybe, might I suggest that in addition to only eating cookies “sometimes”, Sesame Street tell them also to turn off their TVs, get off their pillowy, oversized asses and maybe try a jumping jack or two?

No money in that I suppose.

I think Sesame Street should consider trying a different tactic. Why not use some scare tactics. Seems to me that might be a little more direct.

For instance, instead of cutting back on the cookies, why not just make the Cookie Monster a real monster. You know, give him some big fangs, a gaping, bloody headwound and have him drop a big, smelly dump everytime he’s in a segment. Then when he sees someone with a cookie, not only does he go crazy, but he attacks them, tears their limbs off and sinks his fangs into their jugular while sodomizing them with a splintered two-by-four…you know, so he can get the cookie.

Why, I bet you then more than a few kids would think twice next time they reached into the jar to sneak that “extra” cookie...