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Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Sport of Extreme Condiments

So they have finally done it. They’ve made a hot sauce that is so hot that doctors fear it could kill asthmatics.

I’m not kidding.

16 Million Reserve, made of pure capsaicin – which is the chemical that gives peppers their heat - is supposedly 8,000 times hotter than Tabasco sauce.

I mean, this shit is so hot consumers must sign waivers if they eat the crap without protective gloves and ear wear. Ear wear? Hey, I dunno about you, but I’m not putting anything in my mouth that is so hot steam will blow out of my eardrums Elmer Fudd-style.

What kind of macho bullshit novelty food is this? Hey, I like hot sauce as much as the next dude, but the only dull-headed ass-monkeys that would buy this shit are the same jackpots who order the “suicide” wings just to show off what kind of sporty muscle-bound Budweiser t-shirt-with-a-pit-stain-wearing assholes they really are.

By the way, these are the same toilet heroes back in high school who used to eat the “watermelon rind-with-the-cigarette butt-stuck-in-it” because someone dared them. Sure, you may draw a crowd Junior Hep C, but the girls sure weren’t gonna kiss you later.

Which I guess is what it’s all about…drawing a crowd, that is. Why else would you consume something that will likely burn holes in your underwear the next day. It’s not for the taste, mon ami. Besides, it’s hard to taste when your papillae are burned out of your fucking skull.

But I realize there will be some fucktard out there who will buy a jar of the shitmaker and will likely bring it out at some house party trying to impress all his beer-swillin’ pals and amidst their overzealous, rousing drunken chant will ingest a tad too much of the hot stuff, immediately developing respiratory complications and soon after, die a sweaty, painful death and ya know what…he’ll deserve it. For being a show-off with a ridiculous cause.

But while we’re at it, let’s not stop with the hot sauce. After all, if it’s all about showing off, there’s certainly a lot of other condiments we can manufacture for these slack-jawed idiots.

How about a ketchup with bits of broken glass in it?

Or maybe a mayonnaise that lists amongst its ingredients the saliva of a homeless crack addict?

Or even better - what about a jar of dill pickles in which one of the pickles isn’t acually a pickle, but instead a highly-charged explosive made to look and feel like a real pickle and instead of tasting crisp and delicious when you bite into it, it just blows off your lower jawbone?

Now that, Mr Spicy, would grab my attention.