First Person On Earth

Once, on a tempestuous day in September, my garralous, schizoid buddy Ginch-Eater took a handful of hard polyurethane-coated goat turds and swallowed them right before he had his nipples surgically removed by a monkey in a lab coat stoned on crystal methamphetamine.

Ya know what? I'll betcha I'm the first person on Earth ever to string that sentence together.