My Long John in Your Donut Hole

I just read almost half of 1200 respondents to a recent survey said that, in any given week, coffee is more important than sex.

Say huh?

Oh wait, let me clarify that that survey? Um, yeah, it was done by the Dunkin' Donuts restaurant chain. Seriously.

Now, just what are you crazy donut boys up to over at Dunkin' D? No good, no doubt! Surveys about coffee and sex? How about just making a half-decent donut or sweep the floors once in a while?

No doubt like you, I'm not sure what coffee and sex have to do with eachother. I mean, since when did coffee ever get in the way of sex and vice versa anyhow? They don't. You screw, sleep then have coffee. Or conversely, you have coffee, go home and screw. Or then there's the use of coffee as a the decoy: you ask them to come up for coffee, actually go through the act of making it, and then screw like 13 year olds.

No, sex and coffee are two different worlds. For instance, I'll bet you'll never in your life hear this utterance from a partner's mouth:

"Um, honey, I know you're about to perform that fantastic act known as fellatio on me, and much as I love and appreciate it, I regret to inform you that I do believe I have a hankering for a frappucino instead."

Well, unless the dude's gay and doesn't know it yet.

But I digress.

So, according to this survey, almost half of respondents prefer coffee to sex, eh? Well, why not? After all, this survey was done by Dunkin' Donuts right? Have you seen the fuckin' goblins that hang around that joint? I wouldn't fuck those people with a day-old long john. Hell, if my sexual partner spent that much time scarfing down crullers and chuggin' back shitty coffee, somehow I don't think sex would be the first thing on my mind either.

Besides, have you ever made out with someone who had a severe case of coffee breath? No thanks sister. I'll be in the bathroom with my Sears catalogue and a pack of Certs.