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Friday, March 11, 2005

Pretzels From Heaven

First, the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese sandwich sold for $28,000...

...now some 12-year-old girl has sold a pretzel that bears the image of the Virgin Mary holding baby Jesus on Ebay for over 10-grand.

Doesn’t anyone just EAT their fucking food anymore?

Y'know, one time my mom pulled a three-pronged carrot out of the garden that looked like the lower torso of a man with a really large dick. Know what we did? We giggled, took a photo and then chucked it in the soup stock. 2 hours later, we had an excellent steaming hot bowl of carrot cock soup and then forgot all about it.

The little girl was quoted as saying, “At first I thought it was an ‘S’…I just thought it was a weird-shaped pretzel”. Ya? Well guess what sweet tits, that’s what it was.

Now I’m guessing the underlying value of this thing isn’t just the fact that this pretzel has taken on any old juxtapositional image. I mean, if that were true my mom’s carrot-with-a-dick woulda landed her a mint. No, I assume it’s because that pretzel’s image just happens NOT to be an ‘S’, but the Virgin Mary holding an 'S'-like Jesus.

Have you seen it? I don’t see no Mary and Jesus. However, I do see an “S”. I also see a treble clef. And if I stare at it long enough, I can also kinda see Pavarotti lighting one of his farts on fire.

So, are these folks opportunistic? Are they fanatical? Are they insane? Well, probably a bit of all three, but I would hardly consider them honest people of faith. Would any truly educated religious person be so impressionable as to believe God would send them messages in a bag of Cheetos?

I mean that’s like saying God has been talking to you through a plant that’s in flames.

Okay, bad example.

Hey, maybe there is something to this pretzel thing after all. Good thing it’s now in the custody of the true house of the Holy.

The Golden Palace Casino.