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Saturday, March 05, 2005

You've Been Chimped

reporting from L.A.

* * *

Yesterday I woke up to a big local newstory:

Primate Party Gone Horribly Wrong.

If you haven't yet heard, allow me to give you the rundown.

A couple was visiting Moe, their incarcerated pet chimpanzee in monkey jail when 2 other "inmates" escaped and attacked the couple, savagely tearing the man's face off, chewing up his foot and, as initial reports stated, plucking off the dude's testicles.

The dude's testicles. Man, them is some ornery monkeys.

Well, I guess I would be too if I were sentenced to monkey jail. See, ya learn something everyday, dontcha?. Who even knew there was a monkey jail?

"Yo simian, whatchoo in for?"
"Theft of bananas, public indecency for beatin' off at the zoo and inciting a riot tossing dookie around the cage - but I swear I'm innocent."

Now, I always assumed the Zoo was considered jail for monkeys, so just imagine how bad actual monkey jail must be. I mean, how do the monkeys even do their time - making licence plates for little tricycles other monkeys are forced to ride at the circus? No wonder they want to rip our faces off. We give 'em diapers and we expect the world.

The couple shoulda known these chimps could be dangerous. Hell, their own chimp had been locked up since '99 for biting off a ladies finger. Since '99. That's hard time in monkey jail.

But the dude's testicles. Wow.

I mean ripping off the face was pretty bad, but you could live without a face. You could still get a couple of chicks without a face. You do a search on Lavalife and I guarantee you'll find some chick dying to hook up with a "faceless, one-footed chimp victim". Hey, if you're willing to be peed on, ya may as well fuck a dude with no face too. Let's not have a double-standard here.

But yer testicles, man. You can't do shit without your testicles. Ain't no point in having a face without your testicles.

And then to chew off the man's foot. Now he's just a faceless, ball-less gimp who can't even run away. That's just mean.

Shit, the only thing worse would have been if these monkeys did all that and then stuck the poor bastard in the ass.

"There sucker - now you've been chimped".