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Friday, April 22, 2005

Good Monkey Cop, Bad Monkey Cop

If you’ve checked into the Quill with any bit of regularity, you may have undoubtedly noticed I like to write about monkeys. Hey, what single, red-blooded, secure-in-his-heterosexuality man in his thirties doesn’t?

So, it would be amiss – nay, negligent – of me not to comment on the latest turn of monkey events:

An Arizona police department is trying to get $100,000 to fund a program to train monkeys for “high-risk” police operations.

Well, why the hell not? We taught ‘em to smoke after all. Least we could do is teach ‘em to earn their smoke breaks.

Now, I hate to be cynical, but isn’t the police force having enough problems with faulty crime reports, racial-profiling, keeping evidence from being tainted and just generally doing their job without passing along these responsibilities to a creature that eats it’s own poo?

I dunno about you but if I’m in the middle of a “high-risk” police operation like, say a hostage-taking in a bank and the crazed, sociopathic gun-wielding trigger-happy hostage-taker has me headlocked with a 9 millimeter pressed into my temple, about the last thing I wanna add to the experience is a high-strung capuchin monkey jumping around tossing deposit slips into the air like confetti all because “Chet” missed his mid-morning fruit cup.

Look, there’s a reason why monkeys are still wearing diapers and riding tricycles at the circus – they’re fucking monkeys, alright? It’s called being one link lower on the food chain. We don’t need them to be playing professional sports, joining the marine corp or aligning our stock portfolios. We got enough problems with humans doing those jobs.

Let me make this perfectly clear, they are fucking monkeys. They’re only human-related traits are:

1) using available plants as tools or utensils to obtain food.

2) expressing themselves with such with human-like emotions as sadness, curiosity, anger and pleasure.

3) co-starring with Clint Eastwood in movies about fist-fighting truck-drivers.

Besides, don’t we humans have enough out-of-work humans without passing on perfectly-good jobs to disinterested apes? Which brings to mind, just how fucking pathetic is your resumé when your application’s being scooped by Magilla Gorilla?

Or maybe that’s the issue here – has human mediocrity become so rampant we may as well just hire fecal-tossing simians to obtain the same results? Anyone who’s ever taken their car to get fixed at WalMart’s auto service department would surely think so.