The Biggest Little Man In The Canoe

Have you ever been sitting around - you know, just scraping the cheese from under your toenails with an old rusty Robertson screwdriver, when all of a sudden, out of the blue, it pops into your head, "Hmm, I wonder what the size of the largest clitoris in the world is?". No? Just me? Okay, fine. You prude.

Still, when something like that pops into your head, you have to act upon it. After all, you never know when you're gonna get a shot as a contestant on Jeopardy - Playboy Channel Edition.

So, with thanks to that messenger of all things inconsequential, Google, I am proud to say, here is the lowdown on the Biggest Little Man In The Canoe:

Munich researcher Theo Lang in The Difference Between a Man and a Woman mentions a recorded instance of a woman with a 3-inch clitoris "when fully erect". Now, I'm not one to discount the fully-erect part. After all, a three-inch clitoris is rather impressive. It might even be noticable if the pants are tight. You know, like them spandex deals you see at the gym. Which brings to mind, if a camel-toe is...well, what a camel-toe is, then what would you call a bulging clitoris? I think I'd like to hear it called a frog's pimple myself.

Anyhow, this, I found, was nothing.

The 18th Century Swiss biologist Albrecht von Haller is said to have discovered a clitoris atleast 7 inches long. Well, guess what Doc, that's not a clitoris. That's a dick.

Well, ya can't blame the guy - it was the 18th Century after all...I'm sure Doc von Haller had to come up with some sort of excuse when the boys down at the shipyards all hopped up on whiskey and testosterone confronted him about his suspiciously bossy-voiced and bearded "girlfriend" with the astounding bulge in her skirt. Well, they didn't always have parades for that kinda thing, ya know.

However, nothing beats W. Francis Benedict's account in The Sexual Anatomy of Women, when he stated one particularly gifted female had 12 inches of genitalia. That's a full-length album, people. Talk about Aladdin's lamp. I'll bet genies flew around the room when that thing was rubbed.

Wow. What would you do with a thing like that? I mean, besides the obvious.

I think I'd be scare of something like that. Not because of the freakish nature of it. Not even because next to her clitoris, my normal-sized penis would look like a shrunken cheese doodle. No, I'd be scared because I'd be paranoid I wouldn't be able to satisfy the woman. I mean, what if you couldn't? It would be traumatic.

Hell, if you can't please a woman with a 12 inch clitoris...I say, brother, its time to give up fucking altogether.