Lord Of The Idiots

Ever leave your card in the bank machine? What the hell were you thinking? You took the money out. You grabbed your withdrawal slip. You simply walked away.

Idiot.

Well, I can beat that. Tonight, I took some money out. Grabbed the cash. Took my withdrawal slip. Then I hit the 'yes' button to enact another tranaction, namely a bankbook update. Then, somewhere in the nanoseconds between hitting 'yes' and waiting for the screen to present my options, my brain changed its mind, went for recess and I wandered off like some drone from Westworld leaving behind not only my bank card, but also my account fully exposed.

Holy fuck. Now that's an idiot.

I wish I could say I was wasted after a marathon-evening of Jagermeister-shooters or just finished a record-setting number of bong hits or something, but I wasn't. In fact, I was perfectly sober. Well, maybe not "perfectly" sober.

After checking with the bank on the phone, it turns out the generous(?) git who next walked up to a bank machine pretty much ready to give away free money only withdrew a $40 sum. My guess is, they thought they'd just get what they needed to buy a large double-pepperoni and a cab ride home yet still teach whoever the dumbfuck is who left their account wide open a lesson. Me thinks thanks are in order?

Next stop, the bank. Tomorrow, I will be the court jester in the bank who has to explain he needs a new card because he wanted to tempt financial fate by leaving his savings to the world. They'll have a good laugh, probably ask me why I did that ("um, because I have schizophrenia and often slip into episodes where I think I'm Robert Goulet and instantly panic and NEED hair-coloring products no matter what", I'll say with a straight face. I just hope its fucked up enough that they don't ask anymore questions) and then they'll tell me I'm lucky I only lost $40 dollars.

Yes, you're right. I am lucky. And you are lucky that I'm just humiliated enough by this experience that I don't jump across this desk and crush your windpipe like an empty Mello Yello can, Mr. Self-Important Banker.

I may be an idiot, but I wouldn't say I'm lucky.

Now, its your turn.....hurl the insults...