Death By Escalator

There is a new ad campaign on the Toronto subways these days promoting how to “ride the escalators safely”. It’s pretty much a step-by-step instruction about how to ride the escalator.

Now, if you don’t know HOW to ride an escalator, first of all, you likely shouldn’t be commuting via a subway train. You know, all those complicated details: Mind the gap. Stand back behind the yellow line. The confusion never ends.

Apparently, the pressure of such a strenous activity as stepping onto a sluggish-moving staircase was causing so much public apprehension that earlier this month, the transit commission even held a public demonstration for “the safe riding rules for escalators”. Ya know, just in case the written rules weren’t clear enough. And for some of these twits, maybe it wasn’t.
One of the steps on the ad campaign is to “step right”. Step right? As opposed to what? Stepping wrong? Don’t step wrong onto an escalator. Now, I know what they mean. Step TO THE right side of the escalator…you know, so the impatient fucks like me can step around your lazy fat ass as you stand stupid and motionless on a moving staircase. But like I said, I know what they mean. Not everyone does apparently.

I admit, I like that they are telling folks to “step right”, but the rest of the steps are rather ridiculous. You know, step on, watch your step getting off, grab the handrail (“and fucking hold on, Charlie – this motherfucker is gonna go, go, go!”). But I think they need more direct instructions like…

The escalator is not an amusement ride, feel free to WALK up the moving stairs, you moronic git.

Never walk up the entire length of an escalator only to stop and stand for the last few moments. Unless you want some Dagwood rushing up behind you to ram you in the ass.

And lastly…

If you have learned anything by reading this set of rules of riding an escalator, maybe you better stick to taking the stairs (and just keep the fuck outta my way).