The "Misguided Criminals" of Language

Well, the Global Language Monitor has released its list of top politically-correct words and phrases of 2005 this past week, and in doing so, set my gag reflux in irreversible operation.

The Global Language Monitor, or “GLM” for short… or as I like to call them, “a bunch of umbrageous, super-sensitive wanks”, is a non-profit organization that monitors language use, but without the whipped-cream sex-fuelled orgy conferences one might expect from such an exciting sounding group. Actually, I shouldn’t ride them as much, as I think they are just monitoring the changing trends of political talk, but hey, I’m never one to presumptively flog a scapegoat.

Among some of the top PC phrases of 2005 is the term "misguided criminals," a term the BBC coined so as not to use the word "terrorist" in describing those who carried out train bombings in Britain, you know, as if changing the term would magically bring back those 52 human cookies baked under London town.

Misguided Criminals? Makes it sound like the terrorists weren’t too sure what they were doing. Hmm, let’s see…52 dead, a subway that transports millions of people a day shut down, striking even more fear across the western world….don’t sound too misguided to me, unless of course, these twits were actually down in the bowels of the Tube intending to knock over a candy machine at Russell Square for a pack of pickled-onion crisps. Then, I guess I’d have to admit – them were some seriously misguided criminals.

Apparently, some people wanted the word "brainstorming" replaced by "thought shower" so as not to offend people with brain disorders, as if someone with a brain disorder would be offended by that. Hey, listen, if you got yourself a serious brain disorder and you are pissing your pants and making "clucking" noises whenever you think about cheese, well, then maybe changing the word “brainstorming” is the least of your concerns.

“Deferred success" was conjured up to replace "failure" so as not to embarrass those who….um….well….fail.

Actually, I don’t like to tell people they “failed” either. Too embarrassing. Too victimizing. Personally, I prefer to use more direct language…like say, “you really fucked it bad, didn’t you, ya useless bag of iguana shit”. Seems like it might be more inspiring for better results in the future than the term “deferred success” to me.

Lastly, there was a call for words and phrases that either de-Christianize the Christian holidays or neuter their genders. Now, while I’m all for de-Christianizing anything, I really can’t say I’m all that jazzed this Christmas to be opening my door to hear the carolers singing "The Drummer Person" or "Frosty the Snow-Sculpture-Shaped-in-the-Likeness-of-a-Human".

I mean, what’s next? If we start to accept that load of reindeer hooey, we’re going to have to eventually neuter all songs.

I don’t know about you, but I really don’t think I want to live in a world where Billy Joel is singing “She’s Always An Individual To Me”, or Ray Charles’ would’ve been crooning “I Got A Person”, and ofcourse, that Percy Sledge R&B classic would from now on have to be called “When A Human Loves A Human”.

And what about poor Shania Twain?

From now on, the poor girl would have to sing her hit “Person, I Feel Like a Person”. Believe me, I don’t want Shania Twain to feel like a person. I want her to feel like a woman.

Man, I want to feel her like a woman.

But then, that’s just me.