Ya, But Your Cold Water Could Be Too Cold Too!

The city of Toronto now has a campaign against….brace yourself…hot water!

Yes, as it turns out there is a citywide campaign preaching in posters, flyers and billboards that “Your Tap Water Could Be Too Hot”.

Wow. Rivetting. Why not just start another campaign called “Your Hair Could Be Blonde” or “Your Old High School Math Teacher Could Be Dead”. Seems about as meaningful to me.

But if you’ve gotten past that spooky headline - and honestly, who could resist that tempting byline of ball-shrinking terror – you’ll read that most water heaters in Canada (listen up Iqualit) are set such high temperatures that they can severely burn your child.

Well, no shit gumshoe – it is called HOT water.

The fascinating document goes on to supply such informative language as “preventing hot tap water burns is easier than you think”. Now, you may be asking yourself, “What?! But how?! By what magical miracle did the world’s leading scientists finally find a solution to this traumatic social issue?!?!” Um, let’s try…less hot water?

Not quite, well-educated reader. In fact, there are several ways to stop such life-altering dilemmas, such as using tap guards or installing temperature controls on individual taps. Now hold on a second…tap guards? Temperature controls? Aren’t the fucking taps “temperature controls”? Are you telling me to install “taps” for my “taps”? What kind of boned-up-the-ass sales job is this shit?!

Come on folks, honestly - there’s two taps. We should be able to handle it.

Hey, listen if you can’t get your kid to wash up without giving themselves third-degree burns over 80% of their body, then maybe installing tap guards isn’t the first thing on the agenda this weekend.

How about teaching your shithead kid to wash his hands.