"I can't understand why more people haven't added you as a favorite. You are one rad fucker!" -- uridium15, diaryland

Friday, September 30, 2005

NewsBrief: Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

I just read this truly inane piece of disappointing news on the web:

The nation's 90,000 flight attendants are urging that the film Flightplan be shunned at theaters. The Association of Flight Attendants (AFA) and two sister unions which represent most of the attendants, have expressed anger over the depiction of a flight attendant and a U.S. air marshal in the movie as terrorists and other flight attendants as "rude, unhelpful and uncaring."

Can someone just please explain to atleast 1 of the 90,000 that there's no golden brick road or Freddy Krueger either. It's a fucking movie, alright! Lighten up Wings, I think you're Delta-issued neckerchief is a little too tight. Now, how about shutting the hell up and just getting me some more Bretzels? Y'know, if it doesn't inconvenience you from your regular duty of avoiding and/or looking down your nose at the passengers on the plane who pay for your salary anyway. I wouldn't want you to feel "unhelpful".

Also in the news:

Some 350 experts met up this week at the annual World Toilet Summit in Belfast to discuss such pressing subjects as anti-social behavior in rest-rooms, portable toilets, and facilities for the blind.

That’s great.

Can we do anything about the smell?


Meeting adjourned.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

What Your SAT Didn't Tell You

I walked by a barbershop today and the ol' guy in there was turning off his burglar alarm, which made me think - who in the fuck would break into a barbershop? What are they gonna steal - a pair of scissors? Some boring magazines? That blue junk that all the dirty combs soak in?

Then I thought, hey, if that's all I had to worry about, damn that’s just another reason why I should quit my job and become a barber. I mean, what's the worse thing that could happen in your day? The bangs aren't straight?

Fuck me, what I am I doing with my life?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

What's 100 Years...Really?

Every newspaper and television news show in Canada seems to be making a big deal out of this story today:

Michaelle Jean will become Canada's new Governor General today in a special ceremony on Parliament Hill replacing outgoing Adrienne Clarkson. Clarkson will also be attending today's service -- marking the first time in more than 100 years that an outgoing Governor General is present at the swearing in of a successor.

Big deal. Why is this on the cover of every newspaper? Because it hasn't been done in 100 years? Is that why? So what.

Skizzabilldoobot fuckwad macgeezer.

I'll betacha that's the first time anyone's ever made up that sentence. EVER. Think I'll ever get the cover of the Globe and Mail.

Not bloody likely.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Sex Laws We Should All Live By...

I just stumbled upon some interesting sex laws in the US. If these are all real (and I have no doubt they are), Lord save us all...

In Tremonton, Utah, women are banned from having sex with men while riding in ambulances.
Now, where's the fun in being a paramedic? C'mon, if you can't fuck your mangled semi-conscious car crash patients on the way to the hospital, what's the point, really?

In Norfolk, Virginia, no one may have sex in a motorcycle sidecar.
Who is this law for? Hobbits? Have you seen a sidecar? This law is like having a law that says "no one may have sex in a Nyquil cup".

In Buckfield, Maine, legislation calls it illegal for cab drivers "to charge a fare to any passenger who gives him sexual favors" in return for a ride home from an establishment serving alcoholic beverages.
I think I know a few college friends who should be in jail right now...BUT hey, this brings up an interesting point? It says "gives him sexual favors". Well, what if you got a female cabbie? It doesn't happen often, but it could. Would that be OK? Is it even possible to perform fellatio on a woman working a clutch? Don't you run the risk of having your head popped like a grape? All interesting points to take under consideration.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin, no one may shoot off a gun when his female partner achieves orgasm.
I'm assuming this is not a euphemism.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for men to have sex with live fish.
But, one would have to guess, dead fish are OK? Those sick fucking Minnesotans.

In Nevada, "it is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session."
This one's pretty ridiculous isn't it? To be in any form of political office, you obviously can't pretend to act like a dick. Don't you pretty much have to BE one?

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Even More Rock Band Names (I Just Made Up)

It's time again, when I, draw a blank and force myself to blog with a stream-of-consciousness approach. And that, ofcourse means, more rock band names up for grabs:

- Hangnail
- Traces of Urine
- The Illegitimate Hilton Brothers
- The Dogfucker Choral Assembly
- Chock Full o' Kaka
- The Danny Bonaduce Pubic Mystery Band
- Balding Hairball
- The Jazz Retards
- Sticky Residue
- Billy's Crystal Balls

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Saucy Movie Reviews

(for Mary)

In Theatres:

Just Like Heaven - A lonely architect falls for the spirit of beautiful woman who used to live in his new apartment but is now dead. The scene where he has sex with the rotting corpse in an attempt to communicate is soooo romantic.

Cry Wolf - High school kids create a ruse involving a serial killer named "The Wolf", a game that turns terrifyingly real. Watch for it’s sequel coming soon: Cry Wolf 2: The Kids Discover Twister.

The Constant Gardener – a 3 hour epic about a dude who spends the entire film planting sugar peas in his backyard. Actually, I never saw it. I’m just guessing.

March of the Penguins – Wait! Is this still in theatres?!?! Holy fuck, it’s just a bunch of penguins waddling around, right? What the fuck?

Wedding Crashers – Ok, it was funny the first time around. Now, go see something else and let this one die already.

Opening Soon:

Corpse Bride – see Just Like Heaven review, only with puppets.

Flightplan – Red Eye only with Jodie Foster.

Oliver Twist – Oliver Twist, only with Sir Ben Kingsley (yawn)

Somebody save us.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Resignations Wanted

Ok, i don't wanna be one of them lame, boring, mundane bloggers who just rant on about how their boss won't stay off their back or that their job is as shitty as a Huggies model overdosing on laxatives. 'Cause reality is, my job ain't so bad. My boss is a shithead, but the job's okay. Bottom line is, however, it's time to move on.

So instead of groaning and griping like some cheese-eating high school boy, let me pass on the torch. I wanna quit. Quit bad. Someone gimme some encouragement. What is the best way to quit a place you are fucking fed up with? Quirky, bizarre, strange, funky and disasterous solutions welcome. But don't include suggestions involving firearms please. The last thing I need are the ATF up my ass too.

Bring it on, dear reader. Best answer gets a virtual "high-five" (it's gotta count for something).

Monday, September 19, 2005

Eunuch By Air Canada...

I just had an endless flight back from a four day trip in Los Angeles.

I mean, I sat on that plane so long that I can no longer feel my balls. Tell me, is that bad?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

A Piece Of Advice From A Brilliant Mind

This morning I was shamefully watching one of those mundane morning television programs when the doe-eyed host said something interesting:

"Coming up, what you should know about getting insurance for your dog or cat..."

Now that's rather odd, I thought. Hmm, I'll tell you what you should know about getting insurance for your dog or cat. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your pet drive.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Notes From a Film Festival...

The film festival is alive and well here in Toronto, and since I am participating rather extensively, here are a few important news briefs NOT covered in the regular papers:

- Gwyneth Paltrow has 19 times her body weight in entourage.

- Nick Nolte is almost alive.

- Where is Steven Soderbergh?

- Entertainment journalists don't cure cancer, but 2 out of 3 behave like they do.

- Roger Ebert is officially melting.

- People are standing around for hours in crippling heat just to get a photo of some preening actor exiting a hotel. Now don't you feel more fulfilled about your own meaningless bullshit life?

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Barely Famous Actors Wear Really Big Sunglasses

(or "What I Learned At The Toronto International Film Festival in 2 days")

Well, in the spirit of my hometown's currently running Toronto Film Festival I've decided to share with you a short list of movie screenplays I am working on at the moment. It is with one of these, that I hope I will get to pitch a big-time movie producer and launch my new career as a "cocky, pretentious Hollywood asshole and professional oversized sunglass wearer". Here are my one sentence pitches:

- Brussel Sprout: The Movie (a documentary about the life of a single brussel sprout...riveting!)

- Deathmatch From Hell: The Lawrence Welk Story (an action-packed biography with a hint of bullshit)

- Jimmy Discovers His Penis (a lighthearted family coming-of-age drama)

- Remember that Bill Cosby film from the '80s "Leonard Part 6"? Well, listen to this. I got... "Leonard Part 7".

- 120 Minutes (an intense, nailbiting real-time thriller about 2 hours in the life of a well-timed alarm clock)

- Foot In Your Bag (a hilarious slapstick comedy about a young girl played by Dakota Fanning who has the nasty uncontrollable urge to kick everyone she meets in the nuts. It don't get funnier than that...)

- Thesaurus: The Movie (trust me on this one!)

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Good Thing About Disasters

Um...well....according to the Associated Press:

NEW YORK (AP) - Television news ratings soared last week as the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina unfolded on the air, with NBC's Brian Williams a prime beneficiary.
The Williams-narrated Dateline NBC midweek special was the most-watched program on prime-time television.

...well, atleast someone's getting something out of this. Nice to know they're keeping score. Got to keep those advertisers happy.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

True Facts (I Just Made Up) - Musical Edition

- Radiohead are secretly huge fans of old Pauly Shore movies.

- If I ever hear "Who Let The Dogs Out" again in my life, I will immediately begin punching whoever is standing nearest to me in the face.

- Ozzy Osbourne once ate a fly when he didn't notice it in a Cobb salad....but you never hear anyone talk about that one, do you?

- Sinead O'Connor's best career move: ditching the multi-colored afro wig.

- Michael Jackson is definitely not Jewish.

- James Brown actually invented the word, "peepa-hav-holotta-hittaa-huh"!

- Former AC/DC singer Bon Scott actually died because his pants were too tight.

- Ashlee Simpson has actually convinced herself she can sing.

- when playing The Doors' song "The End" backwards, I'm fairly certain you can hear Jim Morrison sing "I need a hug".

Monday, September 05, 2005

You May Have Bad Children

Some people (mostly do-good, impractical child psychologists and gullible fans of Dr. Phil) say "there is no such thing as 'bad children'". But then again, some people are really fucking stupid, aren't they?

Now, why can't kids be bad? Parents can be bad. Adults can be bad. Pets can be bad. Even fruit can be bad. I mean, we're living in a free democratic society. Let the children be bad.

Besides, you can't tell me "there are no bad children". I've seen them. Hell, I've known them. I grew up with one kid who thrived on being nothing but a complete shithead. He'd routinely egg cars and his neighbor's houses, he'd tease and humilate classmates shamelessly, he'd constantly steal candy from the local convenience store and he even purposefully acted so horribly to our grade 7 homeroom teacher, he sent her running from class in tears one time. Yes, this kid was truly just a downright, no-good little twat. I'd even dare to say, he was....a "bad child".

See, some folks think that if we just start replacing the term "bad child", we'll somehow modify the behavior of the little puke. Well, bullshit Charlie. If anything, you're probably more likely to breed a generation of spoiled bad children who play the 'victim' card, as if their behavior isn't their own fault.

"He's not a bad child, he's just misinterpreting the actions of his behavior."

"Oh really. Well, let's see if he'll misinterpret the action of my foot in his ass."

Let's quit letting our kids off so easy. There are BAD children. Just like there are some GOOD children. It's not a stretch, it's just a matter of odds. Besides, I say if some people can be considered to be "born gay", then why can't some children be "born bad"?

In fact, I'll go one step further. Some children I've known are just plain "born motherfuckers".

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Saucy Monk Vs. The Fortune Cookie

So I went to this chinese restaurant the other night and at the end of my meal I cracked open this fortune cookie to read this Confuscious proverb on a piece of paper:

Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof when your own doorstep is unclean.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...my own doorstep is unclean? My own doorstep is unclean?!?! Hey, I just came to eat some chicken balls, dude. That's all. Not for some lecture about my doorstep. What - now, I gotta go home and clean my fucking doorstep all because some stale flavorless fucking cookie told me to?!?! Shit, I don't think so. And how does some cookie know my doorstep is unclean anyhow? Maybe someone needs to explain to me how they know my fucking doorstep is unclean without me knowing it! Now I got some fortune cookie stalking motherfucker out there watching me or something?! That ain't cool, man.

Besides all that, what right does this fucking fortune cookie have to tell me how to manage my domestic affairs anyhow. I'll clean my goddamn doorstep when I'm good and ready. And about my neighbor's roof - well, that cocksucker may not have any snow up there right now, but hey, it is September. Ofcourse there ain't no snow. But that lazy-ass motherfucker could've taken down his Christmas lights months ago! So what about that, motherfuckin' fortune cookie?! Ha! What about that?!! And you can't seriously tell me that lard-ass couldn't learn pull a weed or two? His lawn looks like hell and you know it! So...there!

Shit. Ain't gonna let no fucking fortune cookie boss me around.