How To Be Desperately Uncool

Each morning I turn on the TV and watch the daily morning show as I get ready for work. It's not because I like it. It's not because I need to hear the traffic updates or hear about the weather. No, it's because I just want to know what popular slang terms have become completely out of style.

For example, now that my local morning news anchor, a soulless black lady with hair straighter than uncooked linguine and a common sense for nothing outside of various shades of nail polish has taken to excessive use of the term "bling".

Now, first of all, why any news anchor should be using a term like "bling" is beyond comprehension in the first place. Hey, ya never woulda heard Walter Cronkite utter the words "Ay yo trip, perps packin' glocks hit a lick and jacked 10 million worth of diamonds. Yo, that's some bling, fo' shizzle!"

If you wanna be a serious news anchor...act like one. If you wanna be a street-wise, slang-dropping rapper, take a gunshot to the chest.

Besides, due to my extensive research, "bling" lost its cool a little after 8 p.m. Oct. 16, 2003, when morning TV personality Katie Couric used the term incorrectly in describing a diamond ring by saying, "talk about bling-bling-bling, man!"

Yes, morning television. Educating us on a daily basis on how to be desperately uncool.

I Like My Chances...

People can be really annoying sometimes. Ever have one of those days where you just feel like being left alone. You just kind of wish people would just not talk to you and leave you to yourself. Well, I’m having one of those days. Here’s a quick list of people I really don’t need to bump into today:

A dude with a tooth growing out the side of his cheek.

Richard Simmons on ecstasy.

Commander Phlegmmy and the Trio of Sweaty Guys.

A fat Chinese dude with curly blonde hair speaking Arabic.

Anybody named “Doug”.

People dressed in Halloween costumes of inanimate objects like ‘boxes of detergent’. Not funny.

Any man with a camel toe.

Co-workers I barely know but say “how’s it going” each and everytime I pass them in the office.

A mass of people carrying burning effigies and broken bottles chanting "Death to Saucy Monk".

The Blue Man Group.

My Pants Are Too Tight

Damn. My pants are too tight. My shirt is wrinkled. My shirt is stained. My socks have holes in the toes. My socks aren't white. My socks aren't brand name. Do they need to be? My shoes are getting worn. My shoes are starting to smell. My nose is ugly. My eyebrows need trimming. My hairstyle is outdated. My hair on my head is thinning. My hair on the rest of me is thickening. My teeth are yellow. My gums are bleeding. My breath stinks. I have a canker sore. What is that thing on the back of my neck? My eyes are bloodshot. My eyes are crossed. My fingernails are long. I need a Q-tip. I can't quite hear that well. I have occassional memory loss. I walk funny. I slouch. I have bad posture. I need to eat better. I can't sleep. I need more exercise. I need to manage my time better. I don't talk to my parents enough. I have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of taking risks. I have self-doubts. I am often insecure. I am self-conscious. I feel like I'm getting fat. I feel like I'm getting old. I worry too much.

Hmm... maybe this was the wrong thing to put down for my Lavalife profile.

Retarded Expression of the Week

Bag of shit

Now, this particular simile is typically used in first-person to describe just how hungover you generally feel...as in, "boy, after drinking 12 Jagermeister shots, a bottle of Jim Beam and shooting heroin into my cock last night, I feel like a bag of shit".

It's interesting to me, because the use of bag of shit is very particular. I mean, you never hear someone say "pail of shit" or a "gunnysack of shit". It's always "bag" of shit. The reason why it's specific nature interests me is because in fact, besides outside of the iconic and always humorous "flaming bag of shit", I've never actually heard of a "bag of shit".

SO, what is this comparison based on exactly? I mean, it doesn't actually seem to reflect accurately what it's supposed to be representing, does it? "I feel like a bag of shit." So, how do you feel exactly? Warm to the touch? A little lumpy maybe? See. Not accurate.

Still, unlike other retarded terms I've singled out in the past, I am not calling for a boycott of this one. Nope. I actually quite like it.

Bag of shit. So, tonight, over your roast pork dinner, raise a glass of Pinot and toast this term. Say to your formal dinner guests, "To bag of shit", then slam back the wine in one gulp.

If you celebrate enough tonight, you may be living it tomorrow.

Sorry, I Apologize, I Suck

Ok, well, I have been a bad blogger, so busy, I have had no time to update with friendly musings, jibes, sarcastic witticisms and all-around Saucy horseshit.

I hope to get back on the merry-go-round of misery in a day or two, but the drinking binge has gotten out of hand, and ya know, balancing work and boozin' just ain't what it used to be.

In lieu of something mediocre for the sake of blogging, I give to you, my readers a "classic" Saucy Monk entry from the early days. Most of my faithful are no longer faithful so consider it like a "new release" if you've never read it before. Otherwise....well....I guess it's like renting Porky's II: The Next Day. Never quite as good the second time around, but still, not bad.

* * *
Who Smells On This Subway Train? (A Love Poem)

Holy fuck.

Who smells on this subway train?
(it's not me, is it?)

A medley of mothballs, B.O. and urine
An odious concoction.
Jesus.
Look at these people.
Does anyone shower anymore?
This guy with the dandruff

Falling
like
dead
confetti

That girl with the hairy boil growing out of her neck

(what the fuck is that thing - it looks like a fist)

Who's hand is that feeling my ass?
Goddammit, where's my wallet?
Can't this asshole give me some room to breathe?
Which would only yield me back to...

Who fucking smells on this subway train?

I often get on the subway and think to myself:
What dormant pool of Darwinian human waste did these pre-evolutionary slugs crawl their way out of?

Then I get to my stop and I'm okay again.

Another Damn List...

Here is another list I just came up with, this one a list of children's books that will likely never be published. More useless information, courtesy of yours truly, the Saucy Monk. Love You.

If You Suck Your Thumb, People Will Hate You

Walter the Dog With Uncontrollable Diarrhea

The Grinch Who Looted New Orleans

Fun With H5N1

Playing With Satan: A Paint-By-Numbers Book

Mommy, What's A Brazillian Wax?

Why Bananas Will Kill You

Cunnilingus The Turtle

The Playtime Book of Racial Stereotypes

The Complete Transcipts from Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill Hearings of 1991: A Bedtime Story

Quick Reader Survey

Please answer all of these questions as honestly as possible. It is important that I get an accurate sense of my readership:

1. Do you have less than 10 digits on your hands? Feet?

2. Are any of the digits you have malformed or disfigured in any way?

3. How many eyelashes do you have?

4. Shazbot, Na-noo, Na-noo?

5. Chocolate or cheese?

6. Stewed monkey brains or boiled sheep’s testicles?

7. Good from far or far from good?

8. Have you had any erotic dreams about Condoleeza Rice lately?

9. Have you had any erotic dreams about Dick Cheney lately? (please, no description – yes or no will do)

10. True or False, “chow mein” is how an Italian Chicano says ‘goodbye’ to his friends?

11. What is that weird black thing on the bottom of a banana? I’m not certain, but I think it’s the banana’s asshole.

12. What is your favorite kind of triangle?

Ya, But Where's All The Goblins At?

In today's news....

LONDON (Reuters) - Australian scientists said on Tuesday they have discovered more remains of hobbit-sized humans which belong to a previously unknown species that lived at the end of the last Ice Age.

Does this not freak anyone else out? And here I thought Elijah Wood was a really good actor. Turns out he's really a fucking hobbit. Holy shit.

And get this....Gandalf is gay. Holy shit.

I'm going home to cry. I'm a mere mortal.

Good News For The Incapable

They’ve finally done it. Forget cancer research. Forget trying to find a cure for AIDS. Oh, and the Avian Flu – fuck that. Researchers have finally developed a beer coaster that alerts a bartender that your glass is empty.

I can now sleep at night.

Apparently, this vital new technology absorbs condensation like ordinary beer coasters, but amazingly, also detects the weight of the drink above it, and sends an electronic signal to the bar for a refill when the beverage gets low.

Now, I hate to point out the obvious, but if you’re in a situation where your drink is so low and you are incapable of, you know, asking for another drink….maybe it’s time to just call it a night, okay Barfly.

Just a hunch.

Talk Radio For The Stunningly Slackjawed

So I'm driving around the other day and this talk radio idiot comes on the radio saying, "There's another smog alert today making it the 45th day of the year with a smog alert for Toronto. Coming up, experts still don't know what is causing that mysterious respiratory disease that has caused several deaths in a seniors home."


Ok, so maybe there's no direct link. Still, buddy, you know you sound like a dumbfuck, right?.

Another Celebrity Baby Ruined By Bad Taste

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage's wife of 14 months gave birth on Monday to the couple's first child together, a son they named Kal-el -- a moniker recognized by comic book fans as the birth name of Superman.

Isn’t it time we take the luxury of naming their own offspring away from these celebrities? I mean, they got money, fame, all that…isn’t that enuff? When they begin annointing their children after inanimate objects and ridiculously named fictional comic book characters, it’s time to step in.

First off, think about this poor kid who now has to learn to be abused and teased because he’s got a ridiculous name. Kal-El.

But Nick, Why stick to Superman’s birth name – why not just call the kid Superboy? Then when he hit’s 18, he can legally change it to Superman. Seems to make sense to me.

Besides Superman’s too obvious. Should have went for something a little more clever. Take one of Superman’s enemies. Lex Luthor has a nice ring to it. What about Brainiac? I always liked that one, but it sorta presumes too much from the kid, don’t it?

Ah! I got it! Mr. Mxyzptlk!

Personally, Superman’s world is kinda bland. Kal-El, Jor-El, all those boring shitty names ending in "el". Screw that. Nicko shoulda looked around the comic book universe a little more. How about Spiderman?

If he really wanted to be clever he should have named his kid the Green Goblin.

Now that’s an original baby name.

I Woke Up And Thought...

Hey, remember in the old Flintstones cartoons, when Fred would get hit in the face with something and get a black eye, he'd hold a steak over it.

Why? What's the deal? This perplexing mystery is really going to inconveniently consume a large part of my day.